I'm Not There
by CharmingBecca
Summary: An AU where Cole and Phoebe meet when Phoebe is slowly going insane. Can she find love when she can't even find herself?
1. What's wrong with me?

Cole is human. Prue is a live. I got the idea from a nightmare I had the other night and "The Bell Jar" by Slyvia Plath.. Dedicating it to those who tried to help me get over my nightmare. People at the SSB and Phoebsfan. Thanks for your help..  
  
I'm Not There  
  
"Phoebe!", I heard Piper call to me. I was sure that she wanted something like for me to pick up my mess or help her with something. She always called for me to help with the witchy games. Not that they were games. I know what could happen if there wasn't any magic. Well, good magic, I should say.  
  
So anyway.. Piper found her way into the attic where I was sitting. I had my knees up to my chest and my arms wrapped around my legs, to bring me warmth as I was sitting next to the window with it opened. I looked over the side just to see how far down it was. I remember doing that alot suddenly. Even though I can't figure out why I would do it. So it's high. So it's scary... So are a lot of things in life.  
  
"Phoebe? Got something on your mind? Like.. I don't know.. school?", Piper asked as she walked closer to me.  
  
Actually, school was the last thing on my mind. I was thinking about scattered thoughts. Sometimes I was thinking about past innocents and sometimes I was thinking about different ways to end this bad suffering. No! Not in that way! I would never try and end my life! I just wanted to identify this suffering and then make it go away. But I never have enough time between school and witchy stuff. I barely had enough time for school! Sometimes I feel that they all expect me to be there for them just because I don't have a job. But then I remember how much they love me.  
  
"Phoebe! Pay attention!", Piper shouted. I could tell that she was getting aggitated.  
  
"Sorry. Just thinking. What did you want?"  
  
"I was thinking that we should do something for Dad. He has his birthday coming up soon. And I thought that maybe we should do something like a surprise birthday at P3 that way he can maybe kinda get some together time with us. What do ya think?"  
  
Honestly?, I asked myself. I think that you are trying way too hard to get to be the perfect sister.. It's a big turn off.  
  
"Sounds great, sis. I'll help you really soon."  
  
"Really soon? But Prue will be home really soon! Why can't you help me now?"  
  
There it is again. She expected me to drop everything to go and help her. Didn't she even want to know if I was available for help? Didn't she care if I wanted to sit and relax a few minutes?  
  
"Aren't you suppose to be at P3 in an hour?", I asked as a distraction.  
  
Piper looked at her watch. I knew that I was off the hook. "Fine. We'll do it tomorrow.."  
  
"Saturday." I was getting a sick pleasure out or annoying her.  
  
"Fine then. Monday! But no excuses, ok?"  
  
I sighed, knowing that I wouldn't be able to get out of this one. I nodded to show her that I knew what she wanted, and then she left me along. I was back to thinking.  
  
Sometimes, being alone was one of the best things to happen. But then others.. Silence can kill me. Sometimes, I just can't stand there being nothing to distract me from the pain. And then there are times I couldn't be more happy.  
  
My emotions were a rollar coaster. One minute, I'm a loving and caring person who wants to help others and I am perfectly happy. But then there was times that I just wanted to be alone and couldn't stand helping others. It had to be about me. All about me. Sometimes, it got so bad that I would try and stop it. Yeah.. That way. There were times when I would drink to make me happy. No one ever noticed. There were times where I would go into the bathroom, lock the door, and take out the advil and start to open it. But then, just when I was about to put the overdosage in my mouth and my emotions would be back to normal.  
  
"Hey!", I heard Prue say. I hadn't even noticed that she was home. It was now time for the witchy non-games. "Ready to kick some supernatural ass?"  
  
"Sure, why not.", I whispered. I looked around, hoping for a distraction.  
  
Demon vanquishing?!?! Who said anything about demon vanquishing? It was just suppose to be some research. We weren't suppose to know everything about this bad guy already. What happened to us being the slow unprepared Charmed Ones?  
  
Oh god... I did not just think that! Did I suggest that I want to die? NO! No, I was just enjoying my free time and am mad to see it go. That's right.. I'm just mad. Let's just hope that's it...  
  
"Phoebe? You feeling ok? You seem a little distracted."  
  
"I'm fine.", I tried to assure her. Once Prue got the idea that we needed help, she didn't so easily change it. "Just thinking about school and how if I keep this up every single day that I won't graduate."  
  
"Yeah, ok, sweetie. Feel up to doing this? Or should we do it later?"  
  
"Now is as good a time as any, I suppose.." I walked over to the B.O.S. and started flipping through the pages. "What are we doing with the book? I thought that we had everything."  
  
"Looking for a spell to keep Jessica from being trackable by demons. We don't want them sensing her here by herself." She continued reading over my shoulder as I searched for her spell. "Where's Piper?"  
  
"P3. Remember- big corperate meeting thingy?" No, I thought. It was non of your concern..  
  
"Oh.. Oh yeah! I can't believe I forgot about that! And I can't believe that you let her go.."  
  
Yup, because it's allll my fault. I'm always the reason that your perfect life isn't so perfect.  
  
"Sorry. Wasn't thinking.", I said politly. In the old days, Prue would have said something like, "Well of course not." or, "So what else is new?", but this time she just dropped it. "So.. Does this mean that I can go wander away or do you actually need me for something?"  
  
"Ugh.. Yes and no."  
  
"What?", I asked confused.  
  
"Yes to the first question, and no to the second.", she explained.  
  
"Oh. Ok. Ugh.. I'll take my cell with me."  
  
"K. Be back before dark."  
  
"Boy, do you sound like grams right now."  
  
"Yeah, yeah.. Have a good time."  
  
"Thanks.", I said as I left the room. I grabbed a jacket and my cell, and then I was on my way out for some more time alone..  
  
  
  
Ok, as you can tell this isn't a story about Phoebe and Cole. It's about the pain that she feels and her going insane. And so with that said.. Do you think that I should persue? 


	2. I liked meeting you

Ok, at the end of chapter 1 I said something about not it being about Cole and Phoebe. There was a little confusion with that. I meant that it was going to be focusing on the pain, and not their relationship.  
  
Part 2 of  
  
I'm Not There  
  
My cheeks were num, but I could feel warmth trickling down them. My sight was blurry, but I didn't care. I just kept walking. People would stare at me, wondering if I was alright. I wanted so badly to stop and ask them if they had ever seen a girl crying, but I didn't because that would have been rude.  
  
Somehow, I found mmy way to a diner. Not really something I did, but it was warm in there, and, more importantly, it was away from my world. Although, when you think about it, how can I ever be away from my world? I'm always living, aren't I?  
  
My seat was cold, but I didn't care. A waitress came over and asked if she could get me anything, or if I was waiting for someone. I simply shook my head and she walked away. I knew she would be back soon, so I started looking through the menu just to appear as if I were ordering.  
  
I started thinking about Prue and Piper. How could I have treated them like that? They were there for me no matter what. They loved me and supported me unconditionally. They had prooved that when dad came home, and I knew that he had been here for a couple of months. I was being harsh on them for absolutly nothing.  
  
I had entered the diner starving but now that I was there, my appetite was gone. I no longer had an empty feeling in the bottom of my stomach. Instead, I felt nautious. I was suddenly dizzy, and it was probably because I hadn't eaten anything all morning. I convinced myself that I was perfectly ok, somehow. I think that I've been doing that way too much lately.  
  
"Miss, you've been here for about twenty minutes and you haven't ordered anything. I can clearly see that you aren't going to be ordering anything, so why don't you just leave?"  
  
A bell rang because someone was entering the place, but I didn't think much of it. I was about ready to be thrown out of the place that was keeping me away from my sisters!  
  
"Please.. I just need a few more minutes in here..", I begged. "If it were any other day.."  
  
"There you are.", someone said. He gave me a quick kiss on the lips, and I felt like I was going to kill that man. "I'm sorry that I'm late. I was at the firm.. It's so busy, and I'm lucky that I even got lunch."  
  
I understood what he was doing. He was covering for me. "It's ok. I was just trying to explain here that I was only going to wait a few more minutes.." I smiled at the man who was now in front of me. I glanced back up at the waitress. "Can we have a few minutes to look at the menu?"  
  
She rolled her eyes at us, clearly annoyed, and then walked away.  
  
"So are we engaged, married, or just dating?"  
  
"Well, I should hope that we are just dating, but since I don't even know your name, I think that we should discuss that before planning a weekend getaway.", he jokingly answered. "Hi, I'm Cole Turner." He extended his hand out to me.  
  
I accepted his hand as I said, "Phoebe Halliwell. Thanks for helping me."  
  
"So.. Why did I have to help you?"  
  
"Because I don't want to go home and I can't eat anything right now..", I tried to explain. "I just can't explain it.."  
  
"Just one of those days?"  
  
Just a series of those days, I thought. "Yeah. Sure, why not?"  
  
"More then that? Must be serious.. I would pry further if I knew you, but since I don't.. Allow me to change the subject! What do you do for a living?"  
  
"I'm a student. I didn't go the first time and I decided that I wanted to.. It beats sitting around all day doing nothing. I can't hold a job real well." I noted that right here I would have taken a sip of my drink if I had one. But I didn't. "And you? What do you do?"  
  
"I'm an A.D.A.. Assitant distract attorney.. It's not always a lot of fun."  
  
I remember what he said before- about the firm being busy."I should have guessed that you worked as a lawyer. You're wearing a suit and you did say something about the firm. Using my deductive skills, if I have any, I would have figured that out. Normally."  
  
"Normally? Get away from your family for a reason?"  
  
"Kinda sorta.."  
  
"Does your husband know where you are?"  
  
I couldn't tell if he was curious about me or if he wanted to know if he had a chance with me. A lot of guys thought that I was pretty and would try different ways to get me to tell them that I was single. "Don't have one. I'm a very pathetic person."  
  
"No.. Well, I can't honostly say anything, but no."  
  
"You're sweet, and kind, but I am pathetic.." I looked him in the eyes and it was then that I noticed his intense blue eyes. His features were so dark, and he looked so dangerous. He was.. sexy. Way sexy. I can't believe I hadn't noticed before."Well.. I suppose that we should order."  
  
"I suppose so.", he agreed. "Waitress! We're finally ready!"  
  
The waitress came over, still annoyed with us. She took our order and then left to prepare the food. Or tell the cook to prepare the food. As the case may be. I smiled at him again.  
  
Smiling felt weird. Smiling felt good. Especially around him. 


	3. To Date You

Part 3 of  
  
I'm Not There  
  
I soon found that I was hungry even though I thought that I wasn't. I soon found that my sickness was really just my imagination playing with me. I also felt happy. Really happy! I can't remember feeling really happy for the longest time.  
  
All those times that I had thought about the window were suddenly being questioned. Not that I hadn't every time that I had appeared there, but the man that sat in front of me seem to make me think twice about whatever I was thinking about. I suddenly just wanted to cry about whatever I wasn't saying or thinking. I suddenly felt a resistence to going to the window that was really high up.  
  
"So.. That was fun.", he said.  
  
I smiled.. Again. What was up with this? He made me smile just by being around me. "Yes, it was." Whatever that means.  
  
"Maybe we should do it again?"  
  
I was wondering what he was actually asking. Was he asking for a date or did he just think that I looked like someone to have fun with? Did he honestly think that I would make a good girlfriend? Did I always ask this mant questions with guys? And why the hell wasn't I saying anything to him?  
  
Thankfully, my cell phone rang. I picked it up, faking annoyance.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
He smiled at me nervously as I talked.  
  
"Phoebe? Where are you? Piper's home and we need to vanquish the demon. You need me to pick you up? Are you nearby?", Prue questioned.  
  
"Ugh.. I'm sorta with someone. It would kinda be rude to just leave like that.", I tried to desuade her. "Can't we do it later?"  
  
"No. It has to be now. I just cast the spell on Jessica."  
  
"Fine. I'll be home in a few minutes." I hung up my phone and looked at Cole. I saw the dissapointment in his eyes. "That was my sister.. I have to go home."  
  
"Why?", he asked desperatly. "I mean.. Something wrong?"  
  
"Sorta kinda. It's kind of.. hard to explain. I have an obligation to my family, and they need me. So there isn't much that I can do. Sorry." I grabbed my jacket and purse and started searching for some money to pay for what I ate.  
  
"I got it.", Cole said as he put down a twenty. I smiled, knowing that he was interested in a more then physical relationship. "Judging from the fact that you don't have care keys, I take it you walked here. Can I drive you home?"  
  
I blinked a few times. "You're offering to drive me home?"  
  
"Yeah. I guess I am."  
  
"I would love for you to drive me home." I saw his face light up slightly. He gathered his belongings and we took off.  
  
The drive to my house was anything but uncomfortable. We talked all the way to my house, just like we did during lunch.  
  
We. That was weird to think. It was just usually me and my sisters. More often then not, just me. Yet somehow, me seemed to include Cole now.  
  
That was such a nice name.  
  
What was I thinking? I never thought about things like that. What was happening to me? I have one lunch with a guy- an amazing guy- and I'm a ditz just thinking about him. But somehow, I didn't care. Although, I did care when it was time to say goodbye.  
  
"So.. Will we be doing this again?"  
  
"Standing outside of my house saying goodbye?", I asked.  
  
"No.. Well, yes but more then that. Like, a couple hours of whatever."  
  
"A little odd for you?", I asked. He nodded sheepishly.  
  
It kinda surprised me how he was nervous and how nervous he was. He striked me as the type to find something he liked and then go for it. Yet, with me.. He was shy, almost. Shy and confident... I hope he's not like that when we go out.  
  
"Actually, I would love to go out with you. I had a lot of fun today. During lunch.. Whatever. I'm glad we did this."  
  
He breathed a sigh or relief. "We were kinda forced to do it."  
  
"No. You could have let the waitress kick me out."  
  
He smiled at me. "Never." He looked as if he was going to say- or do- something else, but changed his mind. "So, um.. What she we do?"  
  
I smiled. "Just stop by." I held his gaze for a couple more seconds, and then entered the manor.  
  
I should have known that Prue would be waiting for me the second I walked in the door.  
  
"So? Who was he?", she asked with a smile on her face.  
  
"Can we concentrate on the demon and then talk about it later?", I asked.  
  
"Yeah, sure..", she agreed.  
  
I walked out of the room, looking for Piper so that we could vanquish the demon and I could go be happy about Cole. 


	4. Is that me?

Part 4 of  
  
I'm Not There  
  
Demon vanquishing was excelerating. It was so exciting knowing that I was the reason an innocent person lived to see another day. At times, it was tiring physically. Now was not one of those times. I was wired, and I couldn't possibly think of sleeping at a time like this.  
  
After we vanquished the demon, we helped Jessica understand that she was a very special person- that her ability to see into the future and then go there to change it was a gift, not a curse. Then we sent her home and made her promise that she would continue to keep in touch with us.  
  
Piper and Prue headed towards the kitchen, expecting me to follow. It was something we did after every victory; We would go somewhere that we could eat. It must take us lots of energy to access the magic within, because we were always starving afterwards. It's funny the things you notice when you spend all your time alone.  
  
I didn't follow them to the kitchen. Instead, I headed up the stairs, creeping lightly so that my sisters wouldn't notice. I shut my door and then found my way to the bed. I kept the lights off and didn't bother to crawl under the covers. I wasn't tired and I new I wouldn't fall asleep, so why bother? But the second my head hit the pillow, I felt my eyes close. When they closed, I felt... relieved, almost. It felt right to have them closed. Maybe I was tired.  
  
I soon drifted off into a dream world where the events of the day played in my mind. Cole starring in them...  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
I woke up a couple hours later, and I could instantly tell that I had slept long enough for my sisters to have gone to bed. I looked at the clock. 2:56. I was deffinatly up alone. All alone. The words now scared me.  
  
I crawled out of bed and went to the kitchen where I could turn on the lights and do something other then sit. I started digging for the cookies, knowing that Piper had hid them from me. Sometimes she was so motherly. When I finally found them, I took a seat at the table and started eating them.  
  
I'm not really sure what I was thinking about. I know a few glimphses of Cole ran through my mind, but I don't know how long I thought of him. It couldn't have been long, because I was soon thinking about the window. The one that was so high up.  
  
It seemed that that window was all I could think about. I seemed to have an urge to establish how high it up it really was. It wasn't alarmingly high up, but it was high enough that if I were to jump, I would die. It didn't matter that I had no idea why I was going to it every day. It didn't matter that I wanted to get scared at how high it was every day. All that matter was that I had a weird connection with that window.  
  
I put the cookies away and started walking up the stairs to that window that had been invading my thoughts. Upon reaching it, I opened it up and felt a blast of cold air hit me. I leaned forward, looked out of it, and then immediatly came back in. I was too tired to think about this right now.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Prue came up to me later that day as I knew she would.  
  
"So? Who is he?", she asked.  
  
"Assitent District Attorney Cole Turner.", I answered simply.  
  
Prue stood there, wanting more. "And..?", she added.  
  
"And he saved me from being kicked out of a diner." I knew that she wanted me to be acting like I use to- giving all the details-, but my heart wasn't into it. I had changed since the days where I would sit there and tell her everything from the first words to how big his smile was to how he asked me out. I yearned for those days to be back.  
  
"That's it?", she asked, shocked. She hadn't notice the change. "Well... Are you two going out, will you meet with him again, does he have any cute brothers?"  
  
"Yes, yes, and no."  
  
"Darn. I mean, for me. Not for you... So when are you going out with him?"  
  
"I don't know. I just told him to drop by sometime when he asked how we would go about going out."  
  
"Really? What if you're not here to see him when he comes?", Prue asked.  
  
"Do want me to hurt you?"  
  
"You can't hurt me.. I'm your sister!"  
  
"Ha." I sent her a snotty smile and then left the room. Next up was Piper. I knew that she was more then likely to accept that I didn't want to talk about it, and for that I was grateful. I heard the doorbell ring, but knowing that Piper was expecting company, thought nothing of it.  
  
I started my way to the stairs and stopped dead in my tracks when I saw who Piper had let in: Cole. Piper was staring at me. She knew that I was surprised to see Cole so soon. He had been eating up my thoughts and now he was here. My sisters knew that this was big. For me, anyway.  
  
"Cole.", I said.  
  
"Hey... I couldn't wait that long to see you again."  
  
"It's ok. Really, it is. Ugh, how about we go back outside.", I suggested. I knew that Piper's company was important, and that Prue would be around to pry, so my suggestion made sense.  
  
"Um.. Ok?", he said as I dragged him outside. He rubbed his hands together to create heat the second we were outside."So why are we out here in the cold instead of inside in the heated house?"  
  
"Because Piper is going to be having company, and Prue would pry. I was trying to protect us from endless questions about where you're from and what you think of me."  
  
"Agh. I see.. So you were protecting me from your sister."  
  
"Yes.", I said before thinking about what he had asked. "No. Not like that at all.", I added when I realized that I had been tricked into saying that I cared about him. "You know what I meant."  
  
"Yeah. So I did."  
  
"Meanie.", I added as I stuck my tounge out. "So how was your day/ last night?"  
  
"It was ok.. How did your emergancy turn out?"  
  
"Good. I was able to go do that, then come home, avoid my sisters, and then.. Agh.. What happened next is funny. I woke up hours later.. Thinking of you! I can't remember the last time I woke up because I was thinking of a guy. I can't even remember the last time that I thought of a guy.."  
  
I blushed when I realized that I had just told him that I liked him in a round-a-bout way.  
  
"Oops?", I offered.  
  
"It's ok.. I like you too. Or at least, what I know of you."  
  
"Well, at least it's mutual.", I joked.  
  
"Do you always deflect topics away from you or anything grown up with sarcasim?"  
  
"No.. Not always..", I answered. I just didn't know how to tell him that I didn't know how to be anything other then sarcastic. "Just.. most of the time."  
  
"Afraid to let anyone get close to you?", he asked. I could tell that he wasn't going to let it rest until I gave him what he wanted.  
  
"I've been feeling.. weird lately. Weirder then usual, anyway. I've been feeling weird for a couple months now. It's not really a feeling though. It's kinda like.. a lack of feeling. I haven't been happy or confused these past few weeks. I've been.. sad and frustrated at times. And then around you.. You make me feel again. I couldn't understand how I had just one lunch with you and then all of a sudden I can feel again.."  
  
"Maybe it's magic.", he said with a smile.  
  
I cocked my head in curiosity. "You believe in magic?"  
  
"I believe in soulmates."  
  
I smiled at the man in front of me. He was different. A good different.  
  
I led him down the steps and we headed for anything that wasn't there. Anything that was away from the lonly empty feeling. 


	5. Dance with me...

Part 5 of  
  
I'm Not There  
  
Two hours ago I dragged Cole away from my house. Two hours that seemed to go by like five minutes. Two hours where I was happy. Two hours away from my house and away from my sisters. Two hours that brought us to seven o'clock, and we still didn't know what to do. Every suggestion was either shot down or brought up a list of other things to do and completely forgotten about.  
  
We walked through San Francisco, me unsure of where we were going. He told me that he knew of a place that should be good for both of us, a place that was nice and simple for us to hang out at. We had stopped and grabbed something to drink. I stuck with my bottled water, and Cole bought a coffee. I smiled at his choice, seeing as how it was seven and he was drinking something that would surly keep him up for the rest of the night.  
  
"You won't be able to sleep a wink later on."  
  
He laughed, letting me know that he didn't think much of my drink. He finished the last sip of his coffee and threw it in a trash can as we walked by. He then slipped his arm around me. I followed his arm with his eyes, not sure if I was uncomfortable or not. He must have sensed my discomfort, because he immediatly pulled away.  
  
"Sorry..", he said quickly.  
  
"It's ok.. I just.. I told you before that I was going through a hard time right now. It made me a little.. confused."  
  
"Well, I don't want to make you confused.", he offered.  
  
"I think it was a good confused.", I replyed. I looked up and smiled at him. He started to bring his arm back up when he heard thunder. We both looked up to see if it were going to rain soon. Clearly everyone thought that it was because they all started running for shelter from the rain. Just as they thought, rain drops started pouring down on them.  
  
Cole look frustrated and started to run for cover like the rest. I stood there, looking up at the sky and laughing. I could feel Cole's eyes on me, staring with amazement. Just to see his reaction, she started twirling with her arms out. He dropped his jaw and stared at her, wondering what she was thinking. I mean, why would anyone dance in the rain?  
  
"What are you doing?", he asked as he tried to pull me out of the rain. "You're gonna get sick.."  
  
"So? What's wrong with being sick if you have someone to take care of you?" I resisted his pull and took off running down the street. I looked behind me to see if he was following me, and he actually was!! He was trying to cover himself, but I knew he felt he had to race after me just to make sure that I was ok. I called back to him, "Aw, come on!!! Don't be such a whimp!"  
  
"Whimp? I'm a whimp because I don't like the rain?", he asked as he started chasing after me. He dropped his arm, letting the rain fall on him freely. "Is that whimpy?"  
  
"No..", I said as I walked towards him. I grabbed his hands and pulled him away from the streets and into a park. I started spinning around in the rain, twirling with him trying to keep up. I started splashing in puzzles, finally having fun.  
  
I heard Cole's laughter the entire time. He sort of stood off to the side, watching me. But I didn't mind. I was having fun, and I felt... free? I'm not really sure what I felt, but it was a very pleasent feeling. Every now and then he would join me and do a twirl, but I could tell that playing in the rain wasn't his style. I eventually ran over to him, my clothes soaking wet and clinging to my body. I put my arms around his neck, pulling myself up to him. He looked down at me, wondering just how I could have so much energy.  
  
"You're insane, you know that right?"  
  
"Of course I do..", I answered. I brought my face towards his, less then an inch away from him. I could smell his breath, I could feel his breath, I could see his eyes perfectly clear. He was so close to me... I was so close to him. I was thinking about him, completely drenched in his scent.  
  
He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me off the ground. I laughed, lost in the moment. He suddenly placed his lips on mine, covering them completely. His lips were so strong and I felt myself melt right there. We must have kissed for five minutes before we pulled a part. He placed me back down on the ground, but kept his arms around me.  
  
"That was fun.", he said.  
  
"And yummy."  
  
"I think that we should try it again."  
  
"Mmmm... Yeah.", I said as I kissed him again.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
The memory floated in my mind even though it was a few days later. I remember coming home at 9:00, and as I predicted, Prue threw a fit. She had noticed immediatly that I was drenched from head to toe, and she was upset that I hadn't called to say that I was going to be late. She pointed out that Piper would be horrified if I didn't change soon because I was literally dripping wet. And for the first time in my life, I ignored her pestering questions.  
  
I went upstairs and ran a hot bath. I stayed there thinking of the hours we spent kissing for a while, although it seemed like only a couple of minutes. Piper pounded on the door and started demanding that I get out. I did as I was told and left to go to my bed. And just like Cole had predicted, I was sick the next morning.  
  
He called me about noon, but I was still sleeping. He had come over and snuck into my room. Piper brought soup up for us to share when I finally woke up. He and I stayed there, talking for hours.  
  
We talked about our lives- past, present, and what we hoped would be our future. We told each other little details about our lives and things that we would love to change. By now, I think that Cole and I know each other inside and out. We spent the past couple days talking, and I am finally better.  
  
Piper spent sometime with me this morning. She told me that Cole watched me sleep for hours, making Prue a little jealous. She use to be the person who would sit and watch and be taken care of. I had made a mental note to tease her about that.  
  
I stood thinking about all of this at the attic window. I wondered why all the happy thoughts were appearing at the window that really did scare me, because it was so high up. I wondered why all my sad memories had to meet the happy ones. I wondered why the window was able to pull me to it even when I was sick. I wondered a lot about the window.  
  
But I thought that I would be able to control it. I thought that no one would ever see me at the window all the time. There was a shred of hope where no one knew my little secret. Of course, I forgot that Leo was a whitelighter and was trained in areas like that.  
  
"Phoebe... We have to talk.", Leo said behind me.  
  
"About what?", I asked as I turned around. "Need some help with a present for Piper?"  
  
"No.. About you." He walked closer to me and pulled me away from the window. "What do you do up here all the time?"  
  
"I stare out the window..."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I don't know. I just feel drawn to the window."  
  
"Any specific reason?", he pryed further.  
  
"No, Leo. I don't know why I come to the window. I just do. Now what is it that you want?"  
  
"The Elders sense you all the time, you know that. And when you're up here... You seemed to have a dark auara. It's like you have.. bad intentions."  
  
"Like what? Threatening to stick my arm out the window? I'd hate to think of what might happen if I did that!", I yelled sarcastically. "How could looking out a window be dangerous?"  
  
"I don't know, Phoebe.. That's just what they told me. I only do what I'm told.  
  
"I noticed..", I said. He and I both knew that it was the end of the conversation. "Piper said that if I saw you to send you to P3.. I guess she wants to see you."  
  
He gave me one of his stares. You know.. The ones where he is honestly concerned. His eyes conveyed just that, and I knew he would tell Piper about what the Elders told him. Then.. he left. Thank god...  
  
I went back to staring out the window. Brr.. It was cold outside. I'd think about this later. 


	6. Fair-y tale

Part 6 of  
  
I'm Not There  
  
A week ago I met a wonderful man named Cole. A week ago I was sad and miserable. And today, I find that I still am when he's away.  
  
Leo has watched me non-stop. I can't go anywhere without him wanting to know where I am. I'm sure that Piper is agrivated, as he hasn't told her what the Elders told him, and I know that Cole is starting to suspect that I'm not completely single. He probably thinks that Leo and I are having a fling. How wrong he was with that thought.  
  
Prue didn't like Cole. I could tell. I wasn't sure why, but when I ask why she didn't like him coming to see me while I was sick she told me that it was just because he shouldn't come to me when I needed to rest. I could tell she was lying. She was mad that I had someone knew to take care of me.  
  
Piper and I stayed home together today. I was still a little on the sick side, and she didn't have anything to do at P3. Cole said that if he didn't have work he would have came to see me. Personally, I was glad that he couldn't come. He stirred up so many emotions and always made me so confused. Piper said that I had "the hots" for him, and I gave her one mean glare... I wasn't about to chat with her about some teenage feelings that I had.  
  
I sat in the living room, staring out the window, while Piper sat in a chair watching the tv. We hadn't sat around like this for a while. I usually stared out the window in the attic, but this time I stared at the outside world. I had just noticed how beautiful my neighborhood really was. It seemed so.. historical. A lot of the houses were pretty.  
  
"Hey, Piper?", I asked.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"When you first met Leo... How did you... When did you..", I stumbled.  
  
"When did I know that I loved him?"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"I don't know. I guess you just... know somehow. Why? Think you're in love with Cole?"  
  
I blushed a little. Truth be told, I wanted to be in love with Cole. He made me so happy. I just didn't think that I was. "No. I just want to know what it feels like..."  
  
"Oh. Ok..", Piper said, unconvinced.  
  
"Well it's true."  
  
"I'm sure it is..." She laughed a little. "So you and Cole doing anything tonight?"  
  
"Not that I know of.. But that man if full of surprises."  
  
"Oh? You mean the fact that he actually likes you?"  
  
"No.. I mean, just the way that he is."  
  
"And how is he?", Piper asked. She had yet to ask me about the man that was taking up so much of my time.  
  
"Really, really.. sweet. He's nice. I like him."  
  
"I think that he likes you back."  
  
"I know he does.", I said in my baby voice. I hadn't used that baby voice in a while.  
  
"So..", Piper said. She held out the 'o' until I looked at her.  
  
"So what?"  
  
"What's up with you and Leo?"  
  
"The Elders told him something about me and now he is all concerned." I brushed it off like it happened all the time.  
  
"What did they tell him?", Piper asked. I could tell that she was relieved.  
  
I shrugged again so that she would know I didn't care.  
  
"I'm gonna go make some lunch.. Want anything?"  
  
"No.. Not really. Maybe a bottle of water if we have any."  
  
"Ok... I'll be back in a minute."  
  
Piper walked out of the room, and I watched whatever she had been watching. It was rather quite boring, so I turned it off and started my way up the stairs to my room where I could be alone.  
  
I suddenly wanted to be alone.  
  
These days my emotions had been unpredictable. I think I already said that, but just minutes ago I was happy and now I was thinking that Piper was suspisous of me. Why would she be suspicous of me? Hell, why wouldn't she suspicous of me? I'm a perfectly dangerous girl who could be suspected for any number of things. Although, that could be a bad thing. It might get me into trouble one day.  
  
Damnt, where was everybody? I needed to talk to someone about all these confusing emotions, and Cole was out of the picture. Everytime I got around him I forgot about the world around me. I forgot why I needed to talk in the first place because it seemed like it didn't exist anymore. Just thinking about him brought me back to that place...  
  
I wonder what he is doing right now. Maybe he's thinking about me.  
  
What if he's seeing someone else? That's rediculas.. He couldn't possibly be seeing someone else. He wouldn't have been able to take care of me all that time if he had.  
  
Man, I'm paranoid. I should stop thinking like this. It's going to be bad one day.  
  
The phone rang, scaring me half to death. Why was the cordless in my room? I swear.. That thing was always left in the strangest places.  
  
I picked it up and answered it, annoyed.  
  
"Hello?'  
  
"Phoebe?! It's Cole.. What are you doing out of bed? Aren't you still sick?"  
  
I smiled. Even though he knew I was pretty much all better, he was still worried about me.  
  
"Cole, relax. I am perfectly fine, I swear. And besides.. I'm in bed. The cordless was right here. Why, I don't know. I didn't put it there.", I said casually as I laid back.  
  
"Maybe Prue put it there so that she could check up on you when ever she wanted."  
  
"Maybe..", I agreed. I inhaled deeply, completely at peace now that I heard Cole's deep voice soothing me. "God... You sound so good."  
  
"So do you."  
  
I could tell that he was smiling.  
  
"So what are you doing?", I asked.  
  
"Having lunch. Pretty soon I gotta go back to work. We're right in the middle of this big case that if I don't when a killer will be set free."  
  
"What?", I asked in panic. A killer... What did he mean that a killer would be set free?  
  
"Yeah. So it's really important that I know my material."  
  
"So then why are you talking to me?"  
  
"Because I needed to hear your voice before I could go on today.", he answered sweetly. I felt my cheeks blush.  
  
"Of course.. Why didn't I think of that?"  
  
"Because you're sick. You need to rest."  
  
"I do? I mean, I do.. Bye, Cole."  
  
"Bye Phoebe. I miss you."  
  
"Miss you too."  
  
"Ok, I really gotta go.. Bye."  
  
"Bye."  
  
The phone went dead, and I knew it was because he had hung up. It was now my turn to hang up. I just didn't want to...  
  
Cole brought light into my dark life. Lately, I've been feeling like I've been drowning in a sea of darkness. It feels a lot like it did when I came from New York, only with my emotions. Everything around me is dark and I found something to help me find my way- Cole. I would have to tell him this analogy later.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Cole called twice again that night. Once to see if I was getting rest like he had said to, and once to ask if I wanted to do something. He said that we had known each other for a week and that we should celebrate just because we can. I noted that his philosphy wasn't that bad.  
  
"Sure.", I had said. I had agreed to go out with him again, and I didn't know where we were going. He said casual dress, so I tried to get as simple as I could, but it was hard when your date always wore expensive suits or nice clothes. I figured that we were a lot alike.  
  
My clothes were mostly.. club clothes. I had a few sweats and a few lounge about outfits, but mostly nice things. I finally chose a bright blue marbled t-shirt and white bell-bottem pants. I'm not sure what you would call my outfit, but it certainly was cute with my hair in pig tails.  
  
Like Cole promised, I was picked up at 6:30. And like Cole promised, I was home by midnight. We had a wonderful time that night. He ended up taking me to a carnival that was in town for a couple days. The first thing we did was head straight to the petting zoo. He had remembered how much I liked animals.  
  
The night was filled with cotten candy and rides and tons of junk food. We even tried our best to be like the movies and have him win me a bear, but we didn't do too well. I still think that those things are rigged. It doesn't matter, because I know that he tried. He spent about 30 bucks trying to win me one. It's incredibly sweet.  
  
When I got home at midnight, Cole insister walking me up to the door. He kissed me good night (Ok.. So really it was more of a make out session), and I decided to let him in for a cup of coffee. We headed to the kitchen, made out some more, shared a cup of coffee, and ended up snuggling on the couch. We fell asleep that way, and I'm sure that Piper was mad when she woke up and found us that way. I'll have to talk about it with her later. 


	7. Tomorrow Is A Better Day

A/N: As I said in Chapter 1, Cole is human. Therefore we don't have to worry how Cole reacts to hearing that she is a witch. And, yay- Someone caught on to the fact that the window is *EVIL*  
  
Part 7 of  
  
I'm Not There  
  
Leo is home today. He and I are all alone, because Piper went to P3, and Prue is at work. They left me alone with *him*. They don't know how much I hate him. They couldn't know. It would tear us apart. I would stay home with him for a year before I let them know how I really felt.  
  
Leo thinks that I need to be helped. Helped with what? He corners me all the time with silly questions about what I would do in the attic, what I was planning to do. I think that I missed the memo that said I wasn't allowed to look out windows, because I seem to be getting in trouble for doing just that.  
  
I'm in the one place that he can't come for me- the bathroom. I've locked the door and layed towels on the shower floor so I could climb in here. I admit that it's not that comfortable, but it's warm inside of here. The tiled floor is cold. I would rather be uncomfortable then be cold. And I would rather be cold and uncomfortable then be outside with Leo.  
  
I know that I eventually have to go out there, but not now. Not when I don't have the protection of my sisters. I can't stand all the questions. I can't take all the accusations. I know what I am doing up there... Well, not really, but I know what I'm NOT doing up there. I certainly do NOT want to be accused of doing something... dark. I'm a good witch, for god sake. I am NOT performing the dark arts.  
  
He's knocking on the door. He wants to try and corner me again. I just know he does.  
  
"Phoebe, come out of there. Cole is on the phone. I won't ask you about the attic, but you have to answer the phone."  
  
I wasn't sure if I should believe him. What if he was lying? What if he was using it as an excuse to get me out of the bathroom? I decided to risk it. I wanted to talk to Cole.  
  
I opened the door and Leo held the cordless out to me. "Thanks.", I said and put the phone to my ear. "Hello?"  
  
"Aww.. My lovely Phoebe. How are you this morning? Piper really mad at you?", Cole asked, concerned.  
  
"No.. Not really. She just said that with.. um.. our schedule that she prefer I didn't have you spend the night. Not right now, anyway. So.. Have fun last night?", I asked as I made it to my room and layed down on my bed.  
  
"Yeah.. I really liked waking up with you in my arms, Phoebe. It just drove me crazy knowing that you were right next to me all night."  
  
I smiled weakly. He was so sweet. He IS so sweet. He knows exactly what to say, and exactly what to do to make me smile. I wished I could spend more time with him. He could fill up the empty feeling that I had.  
  
Suddenly, I was wondering why I was thinking about this instead of talking to Cole.  
  
"So how are you today?"  
  
"Good.. Just doing some.. book work, kind of. Researching the background, filling out forms... It's nothing too serious. In fact, I could put it off until tomorrow. I just.. wanted to get it done that way I could spend tomorrow with you."  
  
"We spend a lot of time together...", I said. I suddenly felt scared at how real and serious this relationship was. Wasn't it just earlier that I like the stability? Wasn't I just thinking about how I loved spending time with him? Maybe I was wrong.. Maybe I should just stay away from him. Maybe I should listen to him.  
  
"You think that that is a bad thing?"  
  
"No.. Not really," I lied. Although, I didn't feel like I was lying. It felt like I was telling the truth. Maybe I was. Maybe my opinon had changed.. again.  
  
"Good. Because I would hate for you to not want to spend time with me.. I can't go out tonight, but I can spend all day with you tomorrow."  
  
All day. With Cole. Tomorrow. Cole tomorrow all day. With Cole, all day tomorrow. I rearranged the words in several different ways, even some ways where they didn't make sense. They still brought joy to my heart. No matter how they sounded. All I could think about was how I would love to spend the day with him tomorrow.  
  
"Of course, if you don't want to..," he was saying. I had been thinking too long.  
  
"No," I interupted. "I would love to spend all day tomorrow with you.. I was just thinking about how fun it would be. I can't wait for it.."  
  
"Good. I was thinking that maybe I would pick you up at.. I don't know.. Ten in the morning?"  
  
"Ten? Ugh... Why not.. 11-ish. I sorta.. sleep in. Everyday. And I couldn't wake up at 9 to get ready for the life of me. It's impossible for me to get up that early."  
  
"You do realize that when you get a job, that's gonna have to change.," Cole said, jokingly.  
  
"Well, yeah.. Of course I do. But why start now?"  
  
"Because you have a great guy for a boyfriend and he wants to spend as much time as possible with you."  
  
"I have a boyfriend..? I thought we were just.. dating," I said absentmindedly. I didn't think about what I was saying.  
  
"Well I was hoping that you were my girlfriend. We spend every minute with each other that we can and well... I sorta had plans to stay dating you for a little while."  
  
"Oh.. yeah... Right.. Haha.. Sorry.. Haven't been thinking clearly lately."  
  
"So you've said.. Hundreds of times. You ok? Is there something you haven't told me?," he asked.  
  
He was asking out of genuine concern for me, because he really did care, but I still couldn't just out and say, "Fine. I hate my whitelighter, and I think that I need to do something about my emotions because they change faster then a colidoscope can." I would sound crazy to him! If there was anyone in this world that I wanted to be seen as sane by, it was him.  
  
"I'm fine, Cole.. Don't worry about me."  
  
"But I do worry about you. I HAVE to worry about you.."  
  
"Why?," I asked shyly.  
  
"It's not something we should discuss over the phone."  
  
"Well, then.. Tomorrow."  
  
"Yes, tomorrow."  
  
We exchanged our goodbyes and then hung up. Tomorrow would be a good day. 


	8. Tomorrow WAS a better day

I have started making banners for my stories. If you would like to see them, simply IM me (CharmingBecca) on AOL IM and I can show them to you. Or, you can email me (Beck_babe@as-if.com) and I will send you the one that you want. I currently have one made for this story and Secrets in Her Past. PS: Please forget the fact that time doesn't work out.. I really need to move this story fast.  
  
Part 8 of  
  
I'm Not There  
  
I wasn't nervous. Prue thought I was, but I wasn't. She thought that Cole and I had only known each other a week and a half when it was closer to three. I had a hard time believing it myself. Had it only been three weeks? It felt longer to me and shorter to Prue. Piper could care less about time as long it's away from the manner, and if it makes me happy. I am. Happy, I mean.  
  
Cole picked me up at exactly 11:15. He excused how early he was with desire to see me, and the original time was suppose to be 10:30-ish. I was still mad at him for not warning me he would be early, but when he wrapped his strong arms around my small body and placed his demanding, passionate lips on mine, I easily forgave him. I think he knew I would.  
  
On my way out, I made sure to find Leo and show off how happy I am. I needed him to see that althought I was being controlled by the window, I wasn't using it- or planning to use it- in a way that would hurt myself. I went out of my way to show him that my emptiness and confusing feelings were for me, and for me alone. He didn't need to fix me. I wasn't broken.  
  
We drove off to the park where we would spend the day together, avoiding the serious topic that we were both burning to talk about. Both of us found ways to ignore what was on our minds. I don't know why though. If we both yearned to discuss yesterday's phone call, why didn't we? It's not like we would have been hurting each other by bringing it up.  
  
"So yesterday on the phone you said that you to care about me- that it wasn't a phone topic," I said at lunchtime. I clearly had had enough of the not talking. "Let's talk about it now."  
  
"Good. I was hoping we would get to talk about this...." He squirmed a little on the picnic blanket. He didn't know where to start.  
  
"Maybe you should just explain to me what you meant," I provided. "That's what I really want to hear."  
  
"Umm... Well, you see... We only recently met so I don't know how to explain this to you..."  
  
What did how long we had known each other have to do with this? Explain what? What could he possibly have to say to me that would make him act so... un-him like? I don't think that I am going to like this news.  
  
"Cole? Are you breaking up with me?" I asked, but I knew it wasn't true. Yesterday's conversation told me that much.  
  
"What? No-God, no! It's almost the opposite," he muttered. "You see, we've known each other for almost three weeks. It's not that long, but it feels it to me. Every minute I spend with you goes by so quickly- too quickly-, but somehow it stretches out to an eternity. You're the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. I dream about you during the night and think of all the things I want to do with you. When I'm not with you, I want to be. When I am, I never want to leave. I've known you for three short weeks, but I already know the truth. We were meant to meet- meant to be. I know that I love you, and I never want to love anyone else."  
  
I didn't know what to say (I love you, too) or do (cry, kiss him...). I remember thinking that if this were a movie, he would be yelling this to me in the rain as I was about to get into a taxi. And if this was a tv show (no comments from the peanut gallery), there would be a crowd clapping and whistling and all that. Of course, if it were either, I wouldn't be thinking about what to do- I would be doing it.  
  
"I knew I shouldn't have said anything..." I was thinking too long again. Lately, my thoughts consumed me.  
  
"No.. That's not it... It's just that I was wrong."  
  
"Wrong about what?"  
  
"Wrong to think that I wasn't going to like this.. I really like this news. I just... God, I am so... At a loss for words. I mean, how do you respond to something like that?"  
  
"You could tell me that you love me, too..."  
  
"Ok." I laughed for a short second. "I love you..."  
  
He and I were sitting next to each other, or I was leaning and on my hand and he was sitting. Anyway... He reached over and kissed me. This time it was different. This time I threw everything I had- my doubts, my fears, my love, my everything- into the kiss. The emptiness I had felt earlier was now filled with the sweet taste of his lips on mine. His tounge forced it's way into my mouth and deepend the kiss. I kissed him long and hard, and in that moment, I could feel his soul reaching out to me, and I knew that what he said was true. Everything he said was true.  
  
I broke away for some reason that even I don't know. It was like I was preventing something from happening.  
  
"God, you're so perfect...," Cole whispered as he toyed with a strand of hair. "What did I do to deserve an angel like you?"  
  
I laughed. "Me? An angel? I don't think so... You're the one who is perfect..."  
  
I felt his lips lightly graze my neck. He buried his face into my neck and kissed it gently. It tickled slightly so I pushed him away. I could read the quisitive look on his face, ande he clearly wanted to know why I had done that.  
  
"Sorry.. I just... Can't explain it."  
  
"There seem to be a lot of things you can't explain. Your emotions, sudden disappearances, and your 'family schedule'. What aren't you telling me?"  
  
I hesitated. I knew he what he wanted to hear, but I couldn't tell him. We hadn't known each other long enough and I knew I didn't want him to be scared of me.  
  
"I can't explain that either..." I can't believe I said that. I was going to end up making him mad.  
  
"What do you mean you can't explain it to me?"  
  
I was right. I detected a note of anger in his voice.  
  
"I just meant.. That it's complicated."  
  
"I hate that word."  
  
I looked at him strangly. I felt like I had heard that before or said it before or something. It just seemed so familiar to me. In fact, if those words were to have rolled off of my tounge, I would have felt completely safe saying it. Just to prove my point, I repeated those words.  
  
"I hate that word...," I whispered.  
  
"What?" Cole asked.  
  
"Does that seem a little strange to you? Like.. It's happened before?"  
  
"I wasn't thinking about it like that. I just wanted to know what you're hiding from me."  
  
I looked around nervously, trying to find how many people would overhear me saying this. I can't believe that I was even going to say this. I couldn't really be saying this... I would be in trouble with my sisters!  
  
"Cole.. I can't tell you here. Take me to your place.."  
  
"Why not yours? It's closer..."  
  
"Because my sisters would kill me if I told you this..."  
  
I stood up and reached down for his hand. If he wouldn't go with me, then I would make him go. There is no way I was going to let him stay mad at me. I... loved him too much to do that.  
  
God, those words still seemed weird to me. Way weird.  
  
Forty-five minutes later, Cole was unlocking his door. He shut the door after I walked in. I turned around to face him and said, "Nice place."  
  
"Thank you... It's not as grand as yours, but-"  
  
"At least it's yours...," I interupted. "I live at home with my sisters and Piper's fiance. I never get any privacy..."  
  
"Well, whenever you need it, you can just come here." He stared at me, clearly showing that he was serious but wanted to move on to the reason I dragged him here.  
  
"Ok.. So you see... I have this secret. It's a big family secret. It's passed down through the girls in my family."  
  
I walked over to his couch and sat down. I waited for him to follow me. We sat facing each other, me on my leg and him just sitting there. I wondered how he could sit there like that.  
  
"Go on..," he ordered.  
  
"You see.. My sisters and I... We're witches."  
  
I watched him look at me like I was crazy. He started to laugh a little. "I know you didn't want to tell me your secret, but I would think that you could come up with something better."  
  
"I'm serious. We're known as the Charmed Ones- the greatest form of good on this planet. We're meant to destroy all evil, and we have powers. So I could prove this to you."  
  
"Great. Do it," he said sarcastically.  
  
"Ok.. Umm.. I need a spell."  
  
"I thought you said that you had powers." He said it like I was just proving his point.  
  
"Well, I don't have active ones.. Just premonitions. And I can sometimes levitate, but I can't control it.. Oh- I know! I could call Leo! LEO!!!"  
  
I shouted to the ceiling, Cole watching me like I was insane. Maybe I was. I was revealing the I was a witch, and not very well, to him while exposing Leo to my secret. I had to be insane if I thought that he would keep it a secret. After I called his name a few times, I realized that he knew I was with Cole and wouldn't come. I had no way of proving my secret, and I started to cry.  
  
"What's the matter, baby?" Cole asked, pulling me to him.  
  
"God.. I look like a total idiot because I can't prove who I really am to you. And now you think I'm insane... You're the only person that I want to be seen as sane by."  
  
"Baby... Listen to me.. I don't think you're insane. I think that you want to keep your secret a secret from me and so you're making this up."  
  
"I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP!!!" I yelled. "God, there are demons and warlocks and other witches like me out there. Innocents are being killed everyday just to make something evil happy or being sacrificed because they are destined to do good. I put myself at risk every god damned day to save people who can't even remember it and are so ungrateful for it. That doesn't usually bother me, but as I stand here yelling at you, I become angry at everyone and everything... Even you for not believing me, trusting me to tell the truth..."  
  
I felt a wave of anger brush through me and then I suddenly felt weightless- I was levitating.  
  
"Wow..," I said as I realized what was happening.  
  
"Wow...," Cole echoed. He was finally seeing the truth. "You're really.. And everything you said... It's true. All of it."  
  
"Ugh, yeah.. You can apologize AFTER you get me down! Please do that now!!!!"  
  
Cole started pulling me down, keeping his arms around my waste. He kissed me lightly, comforting me from whatever just happened to me.  
  
"God.. It's all true. You're a witch."  
  
I nodded.  
  
"And you love me."  
  
I nodded again. "But do you still love me?"  
  
"Of course." He kissed me again. This time, it was like earlier. It was everything that we felt mixed together. It was our tounges making love to each other as if they were as full of passion like we were. His lips were demanding, wanting more then I could give him in a just a kiss. Mine were sweet. They wanted to expierence him- all of him- and get to know every inch of him. I wanted to expierence every inch of him.  
  
"God, Cole..," I whimpered as I relazed in his body. He kissed my forehead.  
  
He and I both were thinking the same thing. We wanted more. We wanted to feel each other's naked bodies against each other. We wanted to expierence each other's burning desire without any exceptions. I can't remember ever wanting a guy as bad as I wanted to have Cole.  
  
"So what time do you have to be home?" Cole asked.  
  
"Mmm.. I don't care," I said as I shoved my body up against him again. I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck as our tounges met in a passionate embrace again. That would soon be us. Soon be our bodies clashing together, forcing ourselves onto and as into each other as we could. And I wanted it to be now.  
  
I grabbed his hand and made him show me his bedroom. This was going to be a great time for us both. I could tell. 


	9. The Truth Doesn't Scare Me- It Comforts ...

Part 9 of  
  
I'm Not There  
  
Lost in beautiful aftermath of our lovemaking, I absentmindedly stroke Cole's bicep. My naked body was pressed right up against his, and a smile played on my lips. This had to have been the best moment in my life: completely in love with a guy, being wrapped up in his arms, and he was aware of the big, bad secret. Even more, he wasn't running away. Life with Cole was great.  
  
I sighed just thinking his name. He must have heard the small sound that usually meant frustration, because his hold tightened on me. It was his way of asking me what was wrong, I guess, but I ignored it. If I wanted Cole to know my thoughts, I would have told him them.  
  
God, now I really *was* angry and frustrated. I was just thinking about how life couldn't get any better-completetly lost my state of happiness and peace- and now I was angry: angry at Cole, angry at myself, angry at everything. Especially Leo. Although, I don't know how he came into the picture. He had nothing to do with the current situation.  
  
I looked up into his face, prepared to yell at him even though I didn't know why. Just as I opened my mouth to say something, he looked down and smiled at me. Right then, I didn't care that I was angry. Actually, I didn't even know that I was angry. I was too wrapped up in him to know anything. He did that everytime, and it often made me hate him for it.  
  
"Morning baby...," Cole said as he yawned.  
  
Was it morning? I hadn't noticed...  
  
"Morning," I responded. I relaxed (often know as relazed.. Sorry about that!) my body as I lazily yawned. "How are you?"  
  
"How are you? We spend most of the night 'making love' and all you have to say is 'How are ya?'?"  
  
"Well... You pick the topic," I caved.  
  
"So how are you feeling about last night?"  
  
Damn him. He wanted to know I felt.  
  
I turned my head so that I was looking into his eyes as I said, "Last night was... magical."  
  
"Literally," he interjected. He smiled at me to make his joke seem less harsh. "I still can't believe you're a witch."  
  
"Yeah, well, you won't have to believe it if you tell my sisters, because I'll kill you."  
  
"I know... Big secret, can't tell anyone." He sighed and changed his tone from sarcasim to a serious, deep one. "I can't believe you told me. It just makes me know that you love me as much as I love you."  
  
"I would think after last night you would know anyway."  
  
He laughed a quick second before declaring it time to get up. I groaned and complained, saying something about not wanting to, but he made me anyway. I was going to have to damn him again. That seemed to be what I was good at- getting mad for no reason.  
  
Cole told me to take a shower. He wanted me to look nice and sweet, the way I had when he picked me up yesterday. Personally, I don't think how I look will make my sisters think that nothing happened. I mean, I was out ALL night. But I gladly excepted the shower, anyway. I needed some time to think.  
  
I turned on the water and stepped inside. My fingers started working on my hair as a million things went through my head. I really needed a day alone to sort out my thoughts.  
  
At first I was thinking about my sisters. I didn't care what they would think of me being out all night. Personally, whether they thought Cole was a great guy was non of my concern. However, whether or not they got wind of me telling Cole our big secret did concern me, so I was hoping that he was never left alone with either of them or with Leo.  
  
And I hated Leo. I never wanted him to be with Cole for anything ever. I just know that he would give some big macho speech about hurting me and would try to scare him off. Leo never wanted me happy. Leo never wanted me to live. He sucked. I hated him. I think the entire world should hate him. I don't know how long I have hated him, but I just know I hate him.  
  
I wanted to be sitting at my window, alone, and staring out into the street. When I did that, it seemed like I could make the best of any situation. The window made me see things in a different light. I could think about anything sitting there. I could never think about anything- at least not clearly- around Cole. As much as I loved him, I didn't like to think about serious situations around him. He influenced my decisions.  
  
I need to be sitting at the window before I could think about all of this. Although, Cole's shower was doing fine as a substitute. Maybe all I need is a place away from everyone and everything. A place where I could be alone. Although, showers being alone-time often changed. But that wasn't what I needed or needed to be thinking about now.  
  
I stepped out of the shower, now done washing my hair and having had cleaned my whole body. I noticed that Cole had brought in my clothes. I hadn't even heard him come in. Why should I? I was completely engrossed in my thoughts.  
  
I started dressing and regretted not having a blow-dryer. I looked like a drowned rat. Even more so with no make-up. Of course, I really need to stop thinking like that, because even when I did have wet hair and dry make-up, I was beautiful. Most girls kill themselves to have looks as great as mine, and they come naturally for me. Why hadn't I realized that before?  
  
"Cole..," I called out when I was done. I heard him rush to the door and open it.  
  
"Yeah, Phoebe?"  
  
I stared blankly up at him. God, he looked cuter then ever before and he was wearing his normal work attire. I had thought that this was Saturday and therefore he didn't need to go to work. I thought that he would have worn clothes like yesterday- a simple shirt, dark colored pants that we more then casual, and an over-jacket (similar to then end of Enter The Demon). I was just gawking at him for some reason. Standing there, jaw dropped and nearly touching the floor, my eyes just staring up at him, looking into his, and I wasn't asking whatever the hell I was going to ask. I can't even remember what I was going to say.  
  
"Phoebe?!" he called out to me. I barely heard him, but then I snapped out of it and closed my mouth.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I could ask you the same thing..."  
  
"Sorry.. I forgot why I needed you." I looked at his outfit, which I had already judged and thought about, and I realized that if he was wearing that then he was dressed. He hadn't even showered. "You're dressed.. You're not gonna shower?"  
  
"Oh, no.. I figured that after I dropped you off at your house I would come home and get ready for the day."  
  
"So you're not going to spend the day with me or stay at the manor for a while?" Why was I asking? Didn't I want to spend the day alone? But then again, I did need to talk to him about us now that we.. Well, you know.  
  
"I didn't think you would want to spend the day with me after last night. I thought maybe.. Well, with other girls they usually... need time.. Or shy away for a couple days..." He had started to laugh during his last few words. "I must sound stupid. You're not like other girls."  
  
"Yeah. I doubt that you've dated many witches." I laughed at my words. I hadn't ever thought about his dating past. Although, with a body that great and a personality as amazing as his, I bet he's dated a lot. He certainly knows what to do in bed...  
  
"That's not what I meant," he said defensivly. I barely heard him with my thoughts. "You are different from other people.. Your personality and your whole being.. God, you're beautiful and you know it AND show it. A guy would be crazy not to love you, and I can't believe that I was lucky enough to find you single when I found you."  
  
"I have.. a history along with being Charmed."  
  
"Your history can't be so bad that it doesn't allow you to date. And you managed to date me with being as charming as you are. And that's another thing- why do we keep speaking like we're in a full room and can't let anyone hear that you're a witch?"  
  
"Becuase it's grown to be a habbit and you never know who's listening in. Your place could be bugged- supernatutal things included," I said only half jokingly. "You're just gonna have to deal with the fact that you have a desired witch for a girlfriend."  
  
"Damnt, Phoebe... Why are you playing these games? We were getting along just great. In fact, we were being the perfect couple! Why are we suddenly acting like this?"  
  
"I don't know... I just wanted to spend time with you."  
  
"Why? I mean.. Why aren't you acting like most girls at the moment.."  
  
I hesitated to say it. I knew. I knew why I wanted him to be here or there with me. I knew why I was asking him not to leave my side. That scared me; wanting only one thing. I wasn't sure I should tell him the answer. Hell, I wasn't sure if he could handle the answer, but I needed to start telling him things. He made it clear that he wanted to know everything about me.  
  
"Because I'm scared when I'm not with you... You make me feel safe," I whispered. He stared at me in shock.  
  
"Scared of what? Of dying? Because you said that you could die at any given moment when in battle."  
  
"No.. Scared of *me*."  
  
"What's that suppose to mean?"  
  
"I'm confused.. About everything... Never mind. I just gotta go," I said as I passed by him and out of the apartment. I heard him start coming after me, so I ran. I was able to get away perfectly fine- something I had picked up as a witch. Now I just needed a ride home. I'd call Piper. Prue would have had an "I told you so" attitude.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
The ride home was silent. I remember that much. Piper was mad at me for interupting her very important day at work. Apparently she wasn't as willing as I thought she would be... I might have been better off choosing Prue. Didn't matter. They were all gone now, and my first thought was to go to the window. I should have know then that something was wrong with me.  
  
Everybody's at work. How pathetic is it that everyone I know has a job, and I'm still in school? I'm probably a burdon to my sisters, and that's why I sit up on this window sill. My head is hanging out of the window, looking down to the ground. It really is high. I don't think I ever quite grasped that.  
  
I've scooted outside, but I don't know why. The fight with Cole was nothing for me to do this, and I'm getting along just fine with my sisters. Crouched on the roof, I slowly move inch by inch down the one and a half foot ledge. Looking down, it's now that I realize what my intentions are. I want to kill myself. That's why I creep up here every chance that I get. The truth doesn't scare me at all- it comforts me.  
  
Leaning forward, I can see the ground. I know that when I jump, I'll die instantly. A quick, painless death. At least, I hope it is.  
  
I've let go of the window. I teeter back and forth, preparing to jump. I suddenly remember cole and how happy he makes me. How happy he was when he first talked, the time we spent when I was sick- "Days filled with you are like little drops of heaven," he had claimed- our first real kiss, when he said "I love you,", last night... It all makes me smile.  
  
I think of my sisters. They love me and so does daddy. They are my best friends ever, and the same goes for them. How could I have hated them when I was growing up? How could I have really thought that I was a burdon to them?  
  
Leo.. He tried to warn me. That one time in the attic. He knew that this was going to happen. So did the Elders. They knew I wasn't happy. How could they have known and not me? Why didn't I listen?  
  
I find myself crying. I don't want to die. I want to live, so I edge myself back to the window. My blurry eyes make it hard to see, and I've tripped. I'm hanging on the window.  
  
I'm so scared. My life flashes before me, because I know that I really am going to die! This is it.. This is the end...  
  
My fingers are sore from holding my weight. I hold on, because I have a sred of hope that someone will come for me. I hope against all odds that I will live to see another day.  
  
I hear someone open the attic door and yell out my name. The way the person says my name over and over again reminds me of Cole. I am seriously hearing things, or at least I think I am. In this state of mind, why wouldn't I? But this time I'm right.. It is Cole's voice.  
  
His hands have found mind. He is pulling me inside the window, inside to safety. I know that I am safe. I don't even mind that I have scratches every where and that tomorrow I'll have bruises to match. I don't care that every inch of me is bleeding or torn as I go into Cole's arm. Tomorrow I'll probably be dead from the pain, but at least there is a tomorrow for me.  
  
He holds me close to him, rocking back and forth. I cry more now, tears falling like waterfalls. He saved me, and now I am safe. Thank god for him... 


	10. Please.. Promise Me

A/N: I don't know if the law later on is true or not... And, it may be a while before my next update.. I am writing a contest and the deadline is coming up. Wish my luck!  
  
Part 10 of  
  
I'm Not There  
  
Cole dragged me downstairs and sat me on the couch. I am calm enough to think about what has happened- what I tried to do. Cole went to the kitchen for a few precious seconds (to get me water) that I am using to think clearly about everything. That was a stupid thing to say considering what I just did... tried to do.  
  
Why would I do something like that? What could have possessed me to DO something like that? Geeze... That little fight with Cole was nothing and me still in school is so not enough reason to try to kill myself. Why would I try to do that? Just.. Why? That's all I can think about.  
  
Actually, that's not true. I'm starting to wonder just how I missed my feelings about this- how I missed wanting to kill myself. It's not like people usually overlook that sorta thing. It's not like people usually say, "I don't know.. But I think I want to kill myself. So how about this weather?". At least.. I don't think it rolls off the tounge.  
  
Cole's coming back... Just great. Now he's going to ask me why I tried to do that. How should I know? I haven't understood anything about me in the past few months- even more so since I met Cole! Everything's so confusing and it's too hard to try and separate what is real from what isn't. My mind just twists everything and it stays that way- and I don't question it. I never thought I needed to until earlier...  
  
I wonder what made Cole come see me.  
  
I wonder what is taking him so long to get me water. Maybe he sensed that I needed to be alone for a couple seconds, although you would think he to at least keep an eye on me. What if I ran away?  
  
What if he's calling me sisters!?!? They can't know! I can't let them know.. No one can know- not even Leo! They would think there is something wrong with me and never leave me alone. And most likely would never get to see Cole again. I would die without Cole. I love him so much...  
  
"Here you go, Phoebe." he said as he entered the room with a glass of water.  
  
"Thanks..."  
  
The room went silent because I didn't know what to say, and Cole didn't want to rush me. I mean.. What do you say to your boyfriend after you try to kill yourself? And if you're the boyfriend, how do you deal with your witch girlfriend trying to kill herself? It must have been just as hard for him as it was for me.  
  
"Phoebe?"  
  
I looked up at him. "Yeah?"  
  
"What were.. Why would you... I guess what I mean is..."  
  
"It's ok.. I don't know why I did what I did. Or.. tried to do, anyway. I didn't even know that I was thinking of it. I'm just so glad that you came when you did."  
  
"Are you?"  
  
"What's that suppose to mean?" I asked, a little scared of his answer.  
  
"Well you were mad at me this morning, and you obviously don't want to be alive right now... I would have thought that you would be mad at me. But you have to understand- I love you! I can't just go on in life without you..."  
  
"Cole.. Cole.. I know. I AM glad, ok?" I smiled at him to show how thankful I was, and then I hugged him tight.  
  
If there was ever a place that made everything totally better, it was his arms. I know I said that things just seem happier being near him, but actually being IN his arms makes everything disappear except that happy feeling that is almost like a drug it's so good. And just as addicting. I don't think I could have not lived without him now that I have met him.  
  
And that scares me. Just as much as I scare myself.  
  
Suddenly I wonder just when it is that I started scaring myself. I mean, what was there to be afraid of? Unless deep down I knew and just couldn't actually admit it. Maybe that's why I never let myself leave Cole's side. Because I knew I was safe there.  
  
And suddenly things make sense. Nothing that I have ever thought was right. It was twisted into something I wanted it to be.  
  
"Phoebe?"  
  
I look up into his eyes. "Yeah, Cole?"  
  
"What did you mean this morning? When you said that you were afraid of yourself."  
  
I started thinking about everything that had gone through my head in the past few years. For other people that would have taken a long time, but for me... Not much had gone through my head. It was always the same old miserable thoughts. Well, at least until Cole came into my life. Because of him, my thoughts had opened up. They had completely changed. It added a little bit to the list of thoughts.  
  
"Phoebe?"  
  
Thinking too long... I was so doing it again!!!  
  
"Sorry.. Cole... When I don't answer it's because I think... about lots of things.... You asked what I mean this morning.. right?" I paused long enough for him to nod. "I just meant.. I guess.. I think.. Deep down I knew what I was thinking and what I wanted and everything that was going through my head.. I guess.. Deep down I knew how wrong I was and so the only way it knew how to tell me what was going on was fear. When I met you... Well, you took away that fear. You were the reason I felt safe suddenly, the reason I was happy."  
  
"But I'm also the reason that you jumped..," he said sadly.  
  
"NO!" I said enthusiastically and abruptly. I did not under any circumstances want him to believe that he was the reason I tried to kill myself. "I was thinking about other things while I was up there. About how I was a burdon to my sisters and how I am 27 and still in school. About my life and everything that's wrong with it... About.." I could come up with a good enough answer as to why I tried to do it.. "Jeesus, Cole! It wasn't your fault!!!"  
  
I forced him to look into my eyes. If there was ever a time I wanted for someone to believe me, it was now. I needed him to literally see that it wasn't his fault, so I forced him to look into my eyes. I hoped my eyes conveyed what I was feeling, showed that it truly wasn't his fault. Because it wasn't.  
  
But it was, a voice screamed in my head. It was always his fault. He seduced you into believing that you were living a great life when it was really just a way to get you to let your guard down. You would have been fine if he never came into your life- you never would have tried to kill yourself! It's because of him that you got the idea.. because he made you miserable when you saw how life could be and then realized you could never have it.  
  
"NO! It wasn't his fault! He didn't know what he was doing," I screamed back at it. Cole looked at me like I was crazy.  
  
"What the hell are you talking about? And to who?"  
  
I willed myself to look back up at him. He had fear written all over his face, and I knew that I must have had it on mine as well.  
  
"The voice in my head...," I honestly answered. I found nothing wrong with telling him the truth or with the fact that I Had a voice in my head. I thought it the most natural thing in the world. "It's wrong.."  
  
"Phoebe!? There is something seriously wrong if you're hearing voices!"  
  
I looked at him with anger in my eyes. I knew. I could feel it. "Nothing is wrong with me..."  
  
"What's your sister's cell phone number?"  
  
My sister's cell phone number? What did he need that for... I didn't need to ask- I knew. He was going to tell *them*. He was going to tell Leo... Everyone was going to know.  
  
"I'm not telling.", I said stubbornly.  
  
"Fine then.. I'll just call P3."  
  
My mouth dropped open. I knew that by not giving him the number it would only stall him telling them, but at least that would buy me some time...  
  
True to his word, he sat up then and walked over to the phone. He dialed '0' and then asked for the number. It would only be a few minutes before everyone was here. Before everyone knew. Including Leo.  
  
Great... Just what I need. A do-gooder knowing what a screw-up I was. This day officially sucked.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Piper had come rushing home, had called Prue, had called Leo, and had even called Daryll.  
  
I had locked myself in the bathroom again.  
  
They were downstairs in the living room, waiting for me to come out. They had been waiting for almost three hours. You would think that they would have given up. I clearly wasn't going to give up, and there was nothing that could make me come out. Not even a whitelighter.  
  
Knocking on the door.  
  
Someone comes for me.  
  
They finally make a move.  
  
It's scary.  
  
"Phoebe? Come out of there...", Cole said. "We just want to talk."  
  
I thought about saying, "Well, I don't want to talk to you.", but I stayed silent. I couldn't speak to them. They were against me. They were the evil.  
  
"Phoebe!?!?!? Get out of there now or else we're... sending in Leo."  
  
I panicked. I knew that Leo could take me out of there kicking and screaming.  
  
Let him, the voice in the back of my head said. It's better then letting them win..  
  
It was right. It was better then letting them win.  
  
So I stayed.  
  
And I stayed silent.  
  
And then neon-blue and bright white lights filled the room, and I knew that Leo was there to take me out to see everyone. Because they think that I need help. Because they think that I'm wrong. Because.. because....  
  
Because I don't want them to! That's why. They only want to make me un-happy. That has to be why they would make me leave this room. Why they would all gather like that.  
  
"Phoebe... Please.. Come with me. We need to talk to you... We're worried about you.", Leo said.  
  
I shrugged at him. He wasn't worried. He only loved Piper. Piper and Prue were only worried because they had to be, because they are my sisters. Daryll doesn't care... He isn't in love with his wife- he loves Prue. That's why he's worried.  
  
But what about Cole? What reason does he have to worry about me?  
  
He isn't worried, I reminded myself. He just is keeping up the show so that I think he still loves me. He doesn't want anything to do with me now that I told him who I really am. He's disgusted with me. That's why he didn't want to come over today.  
  
And suddenly it all makes sense. Nothing is as it seems. They're all against me. They all have it planned out. Even meeting Cole. They planned that. Because they wanted me to be unhappy. Because they wanted me out of here.. Wanted me to be gone.  
  
Well, they can have what they want!  
  
I grabbed a razor and held it over my arm. I pushed it down on my wrist and began to cut myself.... But nothing happened. Leo had grabbed my wrist and was stopping me.  
  
"Let go of me! It's my life.. I can do what I want with it..." I started kicking and screaming, but it was too late. He had orbed me downstairs.  
  
They looked like a bunch of executives, sitting around enclosing a big deal. They looked as if they had been in confrence forever, like I was the late employee. Then I remember that they couldn't keep me there- they weren't the law.  
  
So I booked it.  
  
And Daryll threatened to arrest me. I knew he would, so I stayed. I sat down on the couch and avoided everone's eyes. Prue's would have been angry.. I had told Cole the big secret.. Piper's annoyed- she needed to be at Work. And the more I think about it, the more people would all have annoyed/angry eyes. I interupted their day. Why wouldn't they be upset with me?  
  
UGH! I just want out of this place! They can't just keep me here! I mean.. Daryll, maybe.. But I can go missing. And they can't use their powers in publice.. It would end badly. And I AM an adult.. They would have to respect my decisions. They can't do anything about it.. They really can't...  
  
"What the hell do you guys want?", I asked, angirly.  
  
"Phoebe.. We want to know what happened. You tried to kill yourself.", Cole said.  
  
"Twice.", Leo interupted.  
  
"What!?", Piper screamed.  
  
"Up in the bathroom.. She grabbed a razor and tried to slit her wrists."  
  
Piper starred at me like I was crazy. She thought I was crazy. I could see it. "Hunny.. Why would you do something like that?"  
  
"It's non of your buisness.", I said through clenched teeth.  
  
"Phoebe- We love you!! Of course it's our buisness!", Cole screamed. He took a deep breath and then started speaking again. "Phoebe... You are a big part of all of our lives. You matter a lot to us. You are my life. Daryll thinks of all of you as family, and Leo does too. And me... I just love you with all my heart. I need you in my life. And if you kill yourself.. If you take yourself away from me and these other people.. Our lives would be empy."  
  
I stared into his eyes to discover whether he was telling the truth or not. I could find any lies. Non what-so-ever.  
  
I was suddenly engulfed in Prue's arms. She held me tightly, rocked me back and forth. Back and forth. Piper was suddenly there, and I just stayed still. I saw the guys all leaning against some furniture and their arms were crossed across their chest. They all had their eyes casted downwards, and I knew that they were all sad about me. For me. With me. Whatever you wanted to say.  
  
And I sat there emotionless. My mind was made up and there was nothing that anyone could say to change it.  
  
Or so I thought.  
  
"The law says that if someone tries to kill themself, then a family member or members, can force that person into the proper mental health care. Prue and Piper.. All of us.. Believe that this is for the the best.", Daryll spoke softly. "We want to put you in San Francisco Social and Mental Services. As an overnight paitent."  
  
"WHAT THE HELL!?!?!" I looked around at them and stood up. "You can't do this to me! I don't need help! I don't WANT help! God, you can't make me go!! It's not fair..."  
  
"Phoebe, we can and we are...", Cole said. "You don't realize how hurt you are. You don't see what your actions could end up in. Phoebe.. No body could love you more then me like I do. You have to know that."  
  
"What the hell does that have to do with it?", I screamed at the top of my lungs. I ran back upstairs and into the bathroom. I locked in behind me and heard people chase after me. All of them.. I started throwing things around in a fit of rage. Someone tried to open the door, the handle rattled. Someone out there- Prue or Piper.. I think Piper- was crying uncontrollably. I knew everyone out there was upset. But I couldn't tell why...  
  
A faint voice said, "I cannot do this.." and walked off. It was the same person crying her eyes out, and the voice belonged to Piper.  
  
I heard Prue run after her.. She wanted everyone there. That was just like her...  
  
"Phoebe.. Come out..."  
  
But I wouldn't come out. Not ever.  
  
I made myself comfortable in the shower again, laying towels all over.  
  
And soon I fell asleep.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
I woke up in my bed hours later. A couple suitcases were packed. The place looked different, but it was still my room. And it was empty.  
  
I wonder when they're going to come for me.. I wonder when they're taking me.. I wonder if I'll ever leave... I wonder when I will see them again. But I don't know why. It's they're fault that everything is messed up. It's they're fault that I tried to kill myself...  
  
Something is moving.. I'm not alone. I look down to the end of my bed and see Prue there.  
  
Prue.  
  
She would always take care of me. No matter what.  
  
So how could she do this to me?  
  
"Hey, hun.", she said. "Feelin' calmer?"  
  
I nodded. "Did I completely ruin everyone's plans?"  
  
"No... Everyone wants to help you get better... Including Cole."  
  
I shook my head. "They're all evil.. You're the only one I can trust..."  
  
And I don't even know when that happened.  
  
"What about Piper, babe?"  
  
I shook my head again. "She's married to him..."  
  
"Leo?", she asked. She sounds confused.  
  
"Yes.."  
  
"And you think that my influence her decisions?"  
  
"Yes..."  
  
Prue inched closer to me and took me in her arms. "Oh, Phoebe.. What happened to you?"  
  
"Prue?", I mummbled.  
  
"Yeah, hunny?"  
  
"I wanna stay home.. I don't want to go.."  
  
Prue's hold on me tightened. "I know you don't..."  
  
"Please don't make me..."  
  
"I'm sorry hun.. You just.. have to.."  
  
"Why? I said I was sorry.."  
  
"It doesn't matter... I'm sorry babe, but you need help..."  
  
"For what?"  
  
Prue sighed, aggrivated. I layed back down, and she starred at me. She left, and then I went back to sleep.  
  
If I slept, I would be away from here...  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
I leave tomorrow...  
  
They want me gone...  
  
I want to stay home. I'm scared to go anywhere without them.  
  
Cole hasn't left. Neither has Daryll.  
  
The Elders have called Leo away to talk about me. With me gone.. The Charmed Ones don't exist.  
  
No one's here for Piper. She hasn't stopped crying.  
  
Prue has tried to keep everything and everyone together for us, but it's not helping.  
  
I wish I wasn't causing so much trouble...  
  
Prue said that for my last day I'm here, I could do whatever I wanted to. I told her I wanted everyone to get along.. No arguing, no blaming each other, no crying. She's trying hard to create that atmosphere. I love her so much. I'm going to miss her. I wonder if she'll come to visit me. I wonder if any of them will visit me. Probably not, but it's nice to hope...  
  
"Phoebe?", someone called to me. I was in my room, almost asleep, so it wasn't very clear to me.  
  
"Yeah..?", I asked.. a little scared. I couldn't recognize the voice.  
  
As the person came into view, I relaxed a little. But only a little.  
  
It was Cole.  
  
"Just wanted to check on you... You've been up here a long time. We thought that you had gone to sleep or locked yourself in the bathroom again."  
  
I shook my head as I sat up.  
  
"No.. I'm still up. I'm just.. really tired. Yesterday was tiring."  
  
"I'm gonna miss you while you're gone..", he suddenly said.  
  
"What?"  
  
He nodded. "Yeah.. You're my life, remember, Phoebe? With you gone... I'll have nothing to do.", he said with a little laugh. "I'll have to go visit you a lot.."  
  
Silence filled the room after that. I didn't know how to respond. Minutes passed with the silence, and I could remember the other day I hated that silence. Now I loved it.  
  
"Promise me something?"  
  
I looked up and nodded a little.  
  
"Promise me that you'll get better and come home soon?"  
  
I looked into his eyes. I noticed tears. He had been crying, and I didn't see it.  
  
I wrapped my arms around his chest and back. He was facing sideways, so my arms rested in a weird way. I layed my head on his shoulder, and he laid his on mine. His hand came up to rest on my front arm, and we cried together.  
  
"I'm sorry...", I choked.  
  
He shook his head. "I love you, Phoebe Halliwell..."  
  
I nodded. His way of saying, "It's all right. I understand."  
  
He picked his head up, and mine, and kissed me. I melted into him. His lips were warm, and he breathed heat. I was cold. My room didn't have any heat in it. It was ok now, because Cole kept me warm.  
  
His tounge was on fire.  
  
I had missed this feeling.  
  
I wanted it to last forever.  
  
But I broke away.  
  
And I don't know why.  
  
"Cole... Promise *me* something?"  
  
"Anything..."  
  
"Promise me that I'll get better and come home?"  
  
He breathed out deeply in a short breath. It sounded almost like a very small chuckle to me.  
  
"There is nothing in this world that could keep you from coming home to me and your family."  
  
And then I collapsed into his arms for a split second. I moved my head to his lap and layed there like that. He stroked my hair and rubbed my back, but it didn't matter. For a small moment.. Things were back to normal. There were no suspicions, and we were happy simply being near each other. I cried knowing it was my fault that we wouldn't have moments like this for a while. I cried knowing that because of me.. I was making him sad and upset. I cried because I missed him. And I didn't want to be away from him.  
  
Him or my sisters. Not anymore... 


	11. Nothing Wrong With Me

Hello everyone! I would like to take this time to say a big "Hello" and "Congragulations" to my friend NewGirl. She won her softball game on Wednesday May 29, and I think that she deserves to be recognized. (Of course, I have also been reeeally sick and have been inhaling medicine like I do caffine, so my thinking is a little off.) Oh, and I keep getting emails asking me why I hate Leo.. Please note that I DON'T hate Leo... It's just for the storyline here.  
  
Part 11 of  
  
I'm Not There  
  
I have to share my room here, and the bathrooms are obviously for everyone. There isn't any privacy for me. The only time I am remotely alone is during free time. I spend that in here, too. I spend all free time in here. My roommate, Sarah, doesn't like the room. She says that it's too plain and boring because I refuse to put up any decorations. She doesn't like me much. I'm glad, because these people are too weird for me to be friends with.  
  
Sarah has brown, curly hair. She's about my height, and she's only seventeen. She's in for "self mutilation". If you ask me, I think the people that own this place take anyone in just because they're not wanted. More money for them.  
  
Currently, Sarah is visiting with her doctor. I don't visit mine till after lunch. In about a half hour we have a group meeting with people who are of similar ages and problems. Sarah is in my group because she didn't fit in with the younger kids that well. I wouldn't have, either. But that's just because of the age difference. If they were innocents, it would be different.  
  
God, I wanted so much to save another innocent. So much to get out of this building. We weren't allowed outside unless we had special permission... You needed to be making extra-good "progress" to go outside. There are way too many rules here. I just want to go home.  
  
Home... If I try really hard, I can almost remember what that is like. Even though that was just a week ago. It's funny how you could miss something so much when only a few minutes ago you hated the thought of everything to do with it. My mind... I mean... Damn, I don't know WHAT I mean anymore. It's all so fuzzy.  
  
"Phoebe.. You have a visitor.", someone, a nurse, said coming into my room.  
  
"I thought that I told you to knock before you come in!", I yelled.  
  
"I'll knock when you make progress." The nurse left me then.  
  
I laid back down on my bed. I had seen Sarah bring her family in here. If I didn't leave, the nurse would bring who ever it was in here. You'd think that since I had been praying for a visitor all week I would be more excited. "My first visitor"... I should sell that to Hallmark and market it.  
  
"Phoebe..", a hoarse voice whispered. "It's me.. Cole."  
  
I ignored him. Did he think I was dumb? I knew it was him. I didn't need him to tell me who he was.  
  
"I um.. Prue and Piper told me to say hi. Leo says that he wishes he could come see you to talk to you. He thinks that he could have better luck then the doctors here. And Darryl.. well.. He just wants you back home. He hopes you don't blame him for.. what happened."  
  
Silence met his words again.  
  
"So anyway.. How are you doing? Are you ok? Make any friends?"  
  
I rolled over onto my side, facing the opposite direction of him.  
  
"Not really in the talking mood?", he asked, knowing he wouldn't get an answer. "That's ok.. I didn't come to talk. I just came to see you, to watch you. I've missed you a lot.."  
  
I continued to ignore him. He was the reason I was in here. I didn't want anything to do with him or any of the people he spoke off.  
  
"So I guess I'll just sit here.. and.. watch you sleep. If you are sleeping."  
  
I wasn't. And he knew that.  
  
"Right.. Silence. Ok. Here we go."  
  
I don't know exactly how long he stayed, but it most have at least been two hours. He had to leave when I had to go to lunch. Some rule, although I'm not quite sure which one it was. There was a lot of rules here. Too many to count. I felt like I was five again and everywhere I turned I was violating some new rule. I hated that feeling. I always did.  
  
I sit alone at lunch. My roommate sits with people in our group. She called those people her friends. I called those people demons because of their theories.. No one understood what I was talking about, and now they think I'm a very biblical person. How much more wrong could they get?  
  
Lisa is a shorter then average twenty-two year old with dirty blonde hair and green eyes that have hazel specks in them. She wore glasses that covered them up. Lisa was everyone's best friend- they all loved her. She was a caring friend and always stood up for you. She had more weird ideas then I would have thought possible if I weren't a witch and I hadn't of met Becca.  
  
Becca, also twenty-two, like to call herself Queen of the Freaks. In fact, that was why she was here. She acted as though she were really queen. She had insisted since day one that there were other realms with the tv shows that we watched, and she swore that she had seen a lot of tv shows with the people in this world. That's just one of the crazy ideas she possessed. And they're all just as confusing.  
  
Aside from also having dirty blonde hair, she has grey eyes and is a little on the heavy side. She wasn't overwheight or anything, she was just more plump then other girls her age.  
  
The two of them would hang out with another girl named Dara. She was a writer. She wanted to be a writer. No one really knows why she is here. But looking at the reasons why Lisa and Becca were there, I assume that she also had fantasies.  
  
Dara swore to us that she could play instruments. Plural. As in more then one of them. She looked like the type who had been in band/chorus/writing excel all her life. She read whenever she wasn't with the other two or writing or doing some Group work. She had chestnut brown hair that fell just below her shoulders and needed glassess for her matching eyes. That doesn't mean that she wears them.  
  
Anyway... The four of them sat together and you could hear them laughing as if everything were normal, as if they would really leave this place one day. I felt sorry for them, because they didn't the truth. And I did. And I was depressed. Because for the second time today, I wanted to go home. And I never wanted to be here again.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
That feeling quickly passed. Pretty soon Leo was here to "check" on me, when I know for real that he was here to gloat, because he and his precious Elders had been right once again, and I had had a dark aura. Life sucks when home life sucks. And when I think about it, home life always sucked. But even so, now home would have been better. Because I was in Group..  
  
"I think that we should go to the movies.", Becca said. "I haven't been to the movies in ages and I am quickly running out of witty comments. I'm Lorelai's mother, for all *I* know."  
  
"I think we should be able to go to the public library..", Dara suddenly joined the conversation. "The bookworm has no more books to worm. And my family comes only once a month..."  
  
"I have books you can borrow.", Becca offered.  
  
"Romance novels.", Dara spat.  
  
"So?"  
  
"So.. Where's the action! Where's the adventure! Where's the suspense that I kill for to read! Writing those things aren't the same as reading them, and you know I could care less about the tuff 'I'm a wolf' guy falling in love with the 'I'm the sweet/innocent/biblical model/insert word here'. You do, I don't."  
  
I smiled. That sounded like it would be nice to live one of those tales.  
  
"So?", Becca asked again. Dara glared, and Lisa laughed.  
  
"Can I borrow one?", I asked quietly.  
  
"What?", the leader of the three asked.  
  
"Can I borrow one? One of those books.. The tales about the timid maidens and the wolf-men falling in love. They sound nice."  
  
"Ugh.. Yeah.. Sure..", Becca answered, slightly confused. I had never really spoken kind things like that in the short week I had been here, and if I did, it was about my so-called disease. I don't think I have one. "So anyway.. The movies."  
  
"I don't think we can. You might see something that upsets one of you or someone might upset someone in our Group and we don't know how you'll react. This Group hasn't made much progress. That's why you're grouped together.", Jodie, our conselour, said. "That's just the way it is."  
  
I knew she would say something like that. That's how it is everytime. Nothing ever changes. It always revolves around how much "progress" you've made. Half the people here don't even know what it means.  
  
I, however, do know. And I also know that I don't need to make progress because I am already sane. I do not have a problem. I know I don't.  
  
So then why were you sent here?, the voice called to me again.  
  
SHUTUP!!!!, I told that stupid thing. I know I'm right. There is nothing wrong with me. I'm perfect. Just like Cole said.  
  
Cole, I sighed. He's perfect. He truly is. I love him so much, and I miss him even more. I just want him here with his arms around me. I was Prue and Piper here to be sisters with me again. Like we were before I met Cole. Before I sunk into that emotionless place. And, God help me, I even wanted Leo to be here with me. Anything to make me feel more at home.  
  
I wanted to be home.  
  
Home was where my heart is.  
  
I love that movie... I wonder if they'll rent it for us one night...  
  
And that's how I joined the conversation.  
  
"Well? Could someone rent a movie for us?"  
  
Jodie looked over at me. "What, Phoebe?"  
  
"Someone could rent a movie for us... right?"  
  
"I'm sure it could be worked out... What did you have in mind?"  
  
I paused before I went on. She liked my suggestion. It's nice to have someone like something of yours.  
  
"Where The Heart Is. I haven't seen it in a while and I was just thinking about how I wanted to go home and..."  
  
Jodie cocked her head to the side. "You want to go home?"  
  
"Sometimes."  
  
"So then why won't you let us help you?"  
  
I paused. Hadn't I said a million times how I felt? Hadn't I made it clear that THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!  
  
"Because I don't need help.", I finally answered.  
  
Jodie continued to stare at me. Didn't she know that staring is/was rude?  
  
She spoke, taking her eyes away from me. "Everyone in favor of Where The Heart Is?"  
  
The Group chorused a 'yeah.. ok.. whatever', with a few complaints, but it was agreed that we would rent and watch the movie that I had suggested.  
  
People liked what I suggested.  
  
That doesn't happen at home.  
  
Maybe it's not so bad here.  
  
And suddenly, I don't mind this place anymore. People listen to me. That doesn't happen at home. Add two and two together... I don't want to go home anymore. I don't care if I never see my sisters again. I don't care that I don't have anything that needs to get better. I don't care about any of it anymore. I just want to be liked.  
  
And I just like to ramble. Nothing I say seems to have a point anymore. Not that matters, because my point changes so quickly that I would never make sense.  
  
But that's ok. Because I'm liked. 


	12. I've Made A Decision

  


Part 12 of   
I'm Not There

  
  
I sat at the lunch table reading a book borrowed from Becca. I had really gotten into it. This was the sixth one in two weeks. It's not that much for Becca, she reads one a day, but for me, it's good. Usually I can't do this because I'm off demon chasing and saving innocents. Don't get me wrong- I like what I do. It's just I never realized how much I was missing out on. I hadn't read a book for, like, five years before I came here. And as much as I want to go home, I wouldn't mind being here if it meant I could see these people every day.   
  
Dara sat across from me, something I didn't register until she spoke up.   
  
"So is it good?"   
  
I looked up for a few seconds while nodding.   
  
"Like, really good? Or great?"   
  
"Great...", I answered.   
  
"Oh.", she said. She sat there silent for a few seconds. "But is it just great or is it awesome?"   
  
"Why don't you just borrow one from Becca? It's something to read and it wouldn't be a crime to accumulate your intrests."   
  
"But I'm not *suppose* to like them. That's why."   
  
"Ok. Well then. Until you decide that it's ok for you to be who you want to be, I am going to read. And I think I'll do that in the rec hall. Bye, Dara.", I said as I got up.   
  
"Bye..."   
  
I walked away waving. Dara was just sitting there, bored out of her mind, and I immediatly felt bad. I shouldn't have left her alone like that. That was selfish. I would never do something like that to Prue or Piper. I would never dream of doing something like that to anyone who wasn't evil. So why start now? Just because I can? Don't think so...   
  
I turned around and sat back down across from Dara.   
  
"You want to join me for a game?"   
  
"Of what?", she asked curiously as she got up to go with me.   
  
I stood back up and plastered the best "Prue victory" smile I could on my face. "Of poker."   
  
This was going to be a fun day...   


~*~*~*~

  
I sat awake in bed later that night. I SHOULD have been sleeping. If they came and checked up on us and I was awake, I would be in trouble. I have to wake up early, and I can't skip breakfast for sleep. (Some of us have food issues.) So I tried to fall asleep, but my thoughts were haunting me. Asking questions is dangerous. I vow never to ask another question in my life. I start to wonder if I will keep that vow..   
  
I also wonder what I'm missing out on in the saving the innocents thing. I Should be out there helping my sisters. Not here. The people are nice--I like them. But I also liked *my* life back at the manor.   
  
"Sarah... You still awake?"   
  
"No.."   
  
"Obviously you are, otherwise you wouldn't be able to talk.."   
  
"Ugh.. I may take a razor to myself, but that doesn't mean I don't value sleep.."   
  
"I was just wondering.. How long have you been here?"   
  
"A couple years.. But there was once a girl who was in and out in under six months. She knew she had a problem, so she checked herself in. And then she helped herself. She called it "a nice little vacation while she got help"."   
  
"Thanks..", I whispered. Six months? It can't be that long!   
  
"You're welcome.."   
  
I could tell she was drifting off to sleep even as I began panicing. I didn't want to be in this place for that long. I mean.. I loved the people, and it was kinda like being on vacation, but two weeks here was hard enough for me. Another six months?!?!   
  
"THIS IS HELL!", I accidently said aloud.   
  
"Shhh!", Sarah shushed me immediatly. "Someone might hear you!"   
  
"Like that would be a crime!", I whispered harshly. "It's about time they start treating us like people instead of lab expeiriments!"   
  
Sarah rolled her eyes at me. It was dark. She thought that I wouldn't see, but I did.   
  
"Don't rolls your eyes at me. I'm *not* crazy! I am sane, and I wish someone would treat me like it."   
  
My thoughts suddenly flashed back to when Cole was here. He had tried to treat me like a human being.. He had tried to treat me like he did before things went bad. And I sat here, throwing it all in his face. Well.. technically, I laid here and didn't say anything. But who cares about tecnicalities? I shrugged along with the thought.   
  
I'm starting to get tired. I'll think about this later.   


~*~*~*~

  
See, now, the funny thing about later is that you never know what later is going to look like. Had I known that I was going to be surrounded by family- including Cole and Darryl- I would have thought about the situation at hand last night.   
  
Ha. That's totally contradictive.   
  
Anyway... This was my second visit in the two weeks that I had been here. When I first saw Prue standing alone, I thought that I was hallucinating. I wanted so bad for her to be here... for a familiar face to surround me. I don't even know why I always do, I just do. I guess I always want the opposite of what I have. I guess.. I think... that I don't know what I want.   
  
Never has anyone been so lost as I am now. What if everything I'm feeling isn't due to some sickness that I have? Or, more precisily, don't have. What if I'm still normal on the inside, and I'm just hiding behind the comfort of being 'sick'? What if..   
  
Oy.. I think I need the window again.   
  
Now I was being pulled back to the present, back to the conversation.   
  
"So.. Phoebe.. Make any friends?", Darryl was asking.   
  
I nodded eagerly. "A girl named Becca lets me borrow her books. She's got two friends, Dara and Lisa. They hang out with my roommate Sarah. We've become somewhat of a group." I laughed a little. "They're all about twenty-ish, so I'm the oldest one."   
  
Piper nodded. She was like this the last time I was with her. Silent, unsure of what to say. It was a little... nerve-wracking. It's uncomfortable to know that someone you love doesn't know how to act around you anymore.   
  
"Piper, I swear... I'm still me. Don't feel awkward around me." Piper started to nod, but I started again. "You still feel it, and it makes me feel awkward."   
  
She opened her mouth to speak. Leo said something instead.   
  
"She's just worried that she'll set you off again. She cares about you and doesn't want to make you do something that could result in injury."   
  
I turned to him. A new understanding, and a new respect for Leo, was born.   
  
Now I spoke in general.   
  
"I could give you guys a tour of the place... Or introduce you to my friends." I stopped and smiled. "You could tell me how everything is at the manor. I miss the place. I miss... being a witch."   
  
Prue crossed the few feet that seperated us and wrapped me in a hug. I didn't know why she was doing this. Was there something that everyone saw in me, but I didn't? That I couldn't?   
  
"What's the matter, hun?", I asked.   
  
She hugged me tighter.   
  
"If..." She took a deep breath and started again. "If you don't get better soon.. If you don't come home, then our powers... We'll be stripped of our destiny."   
  
I shook my head. It would take six months to get out! I.. They can't do this to me! I need to get better and go back to the un-normal!   
  
"No..", I whispered. "That's not true! It can't be!"   
  
I stood up, ready to fight someone. Cole came over and pushed me back down very gently. His hands stayed on my shoulders even after I sat back down calmly.   
  
"I need to be a witch! It's what's making me do so well... I want to get out of here so that I can be a witch! It's all I think about.. please.. Don't let them take that away from me!"   
  
I looked towards Leo, hoping he would be able to do something.   
  
"This is *not* fair!", I screamed.   
  
I'm not sure what I said next, but I remember screaming a lot of non-sense. All I remember, is someone placing their lips on mine, to shut me up. We kissed and kissed and kissed. I knew, I could tell, that it was Cole's passionate lips on mine. He and I... when we kissed, it was magical. When we were together, it was magical. I missed everything that I would do with him, I missed everything that I could do with him. Him .. and my family.. and anything that I could be doing if I weren't stuck here.   
  
When we came apart, when we tore ourselves apart, I whispered his name.   
  
"Cole.."   
  
"Yeah..", he whispered back. He was bent over. His hands her on my cheeks, carressing them. His eyes were locked in a daze, his mouth wet and wanting more. I had a feeling I looked the same.   
  
"I miss that.."   
  
I was hanging onto his neck, barely still on the seat.   
  
"I do, too.." He quickly kissed me again. "That's why you've got to get better... So that we can be together again."   
  
I made a decision right then. I would get better. Soon. 


	13. I'm Good

  


Ok.. So Originally, I had decided to write one extra, extra long chapter and post it as the last. But a few people have wanted some stuf soon. (And to tell the truth, I hate finishing on Prime numbers for chapters..) So I've broken it off at the best place to finish a chapter, which unfortunatly kinda makes it a short chapter. But I hope you enjoy it, and please review... And I'm going away next week, but I'm gonna write, so expect something from me when I get back...

  
  


Part 13 of   
I'm Not There

  
  
"Why do you feel that your sister's husband is evil when you say he's good?", my counselor asked. I was currently in one of those "One on One" sessions. Supposdly they would help further the understanding of my mind, my problem.   
  
I shrugged in answer to her question. "If he's good, how can he be evil, right? That's what you're thinking." I watched as she, Dr. Wantini, fliched at my accusation. "And you totally missed the point of my comment. I said that he worked for the good guys. The good guys always try to stop me from doing what _I_ want to do. Therefore, you must conclude, that by taking away my free will, they are evil. However, since they stopped me from killing myself, they can't be that bad. So I really don't know what to think of him. Sometimes I hate him. Sometimes I think of him as the brother-in-law that he really is."   
  
I plastered a smile on my face, glad that I had managed to confuse her. I knew it was sick to find amusement in torturing this poor woman, and that it wouldn't get me out of here faster --it would actually keep me in here _longer_--, but I can't help but find it fun.   
  
"I think.. My sister, Piper, is having the hardest time with this. She really doesn't understand what I'm going through --_I_ don't even understand what I'm going through. She doesn't know where to place the blame, and that's what she really wants to do. She wants to point a finger at someone and say, "You did this. You're the reason my life is so messed up." I know she really doesn't want to place the blame on me, though. I can tell when I see her. She prefers to think someone did this to me, rather then me doing this to myself."   
  
The counselor looked at me, confused yet again.   
  
"I'm training to be a physciatrist. At least.. I was. Now I'm here. And I don't think I can find a job helping others with their problems, when I myself was in a physciatric unit."   
  
"Well, if you're serious about getting your degree in Physcology and getting help with your problem, which you're finally admitting to having, then you could probably get a job here. Of course, we'd put you in another department, but you'd have expierence with these problems. Paitents would be able to relate to you better."   
  
I smiled. She was going to help me get out of here _and_ get a job.   
  
"You'd help me with that?", I tried to assure myself that that was what she was saying.   
  
With a smile on her lips, she answered, "Absolutely.   
  
I smiled again, this time near tears. I could see everything working out for me. I could _feel_ everything working out for me. I knew that I would go home one day. Soon. I knew that Cole and I would have a great life together. Everything would be great. Everything will be great soon enough.   


~*~*~*~

  
"So things at work are slow, but I'm happy about that. It gives me more time to stare at a picture that I have of you."   
  
"You have a picture of me in your office!", I gushed. There was something so sweet about Cole having a picture of me in his office. "That's so cute!"   
  
Cole laughed at me. I knew he was thinking that I needed serious help, but I also knew he meant it in the most sarcastic way possible. He would never wish me into one of these places just because I thought that it was cute he has a picture of me in his office. Let's face it- it's not exactly physcotic material.   
  
"You're weird."   
  
"But you love me for it!", I defended myself.   
  
He pushed a few strands of hair out of my eyes. He smiled sweetly as his hands lingered in my soft hair for a moment. Suddenly, we both leaned forward at the same time. Our lips met in another one of our passionate kisses. His lips always tasted the same, but the way it felt was always different. It's hard to explain, really. All I know is that kissing him has got to be my favorite thing to do in the whole world.   
  
We pulled apart and looked into each other's eyes. For the first time today, I didn't feel like I was in the cafeteria of a mental institution. I felt like I was at his place, in his arms, in the morning after making love the night before. I felt over come with joy, with peace. I missed those nights where I would just sleep in his arms all night long.   
  
"You'll wait for me, right?", I asked. I was scared for the first time that Cole might not be there when I was out of this place, that he might have moved on.   
  
"What do you mean?"   
  
He was confused. He didn't know what I mean. His eyes showed me everything. Even when he had said right out that he was confused, I could tell in his eyes.   
  
"I mean.. You won't find someone else while I'm in here.. You won't leave me, will you?"   
  
He chuckled lightly. "Of course not.. You're the only woman for me. I love you more then you could ever know.."   
  
I breathed a sigh of relief, putting my arms around his neck in a hug. "You have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that..."   
  
He laughed at me again.   
  
"What?", I dared him.   
  
"Like I _wouldn't_ wait for you. God, Phoebe. You're incredible. Like the most amazing woman I've ever known. I told you so a couple weeks ago. Why would I ever try and replace you?"   
  
I shrugged, remembering that moment. It had quickly turned into an argument --a stupid argument over something that _I_ had started. However, I still found it a very pleasent memory.   
  
"Cole..?", I whispered.   
  
"Yeah?"   
  
I sighed, unsure of how to ask. What if he thought I was being rediculas? Or that I really needed to be in this place? What if I scared him off? I mean, he just said a minute ago how wonderful he thinks I am. What if it accures to him that maybe it's just because of this mental thing?   
  
"Um.. Nothing.. I'll ask later."   
  
He pulled away, taking my hands in his own. "You sure? 'Cause I really don't mind! I cleared the entire day to be with you- so that _you_ could be happy. If it makes you happy to ask, then ask.. I swear.. I won't laugh this time."   
  
I thought it over for a minute. And quickly decided not to bring up the question. I'd ask later, if I still wanted to know, when I got out.   
  
"No.. It's.. nothing.", I said, shaking my head. My hands escaped his to push my hair back behind my ears.   
  
"So, ugh.. I should get going..", Cole said. We both knew he should have left a couple hours ago.   
  
We stood up and I hugged him. "Yeah." A kiss. "See ya at the movie night?"   
  
He smiled sweetly at me. "Wouldn't miss it for the world."   


~*~*~*~So the deal with this movie night thing. You remember a couple weeks ago I suggested that one of the workers at this place rent a movie? Well, they took the suggestion and made it into an event that everyone could attend. And I mean _everyone_.   
  
I guess I kinda appreciate it. I mean.. I haven't been able to watch a movie with my sisters in forever! (At least.. it seems that way to me..) And I miss spending snuggly time with Cole.. Now with the lights out and a giant movie screen pulled up on the wall, we can all sit on the couch together. And if we can't, then there are gonna be blankets everywhere. There is no way in hell that we won't be comfortable.   
  
I couldn't wait for it when I first heard about it, but now that it's tonight, I feel so.. I don't know.. Scared? I've made so much progress! I'm doing so great here! Everyone says so.. They say that I'm trying hard, and that I've accepted being in here.. I just want *them* to see it.. I mean.. what if they don't?   
  
Oh.. I'm so totally scared... I wanna get outta here, I wanna make everyone happy, I wanna graduate... I want to be with Cole... Always and forever.. He's such a great guy... I don't want to loose him..   
  
And what about Leo? I've been so aweful to him... What if he doesn't forgive me?   
  
And Prue.. She's been so understanding..   
  
But Piper.. she's had such a hard time with this.. What will she think?   
  
I'm so nervous.. I'll tell you how the night goes later.. 


	14. I Just Want To Live

  
Sorry that this took so long, guys.. I'm kinda sick and throughout the summer I was asked several, several times to update... Constantly... And I don't mean to sound bitchy, but please realize that the only time I have to myself are the weekends and vacations.. And while I agree, I should have been able to work a little (or a lot) on stories over the summer, but I _am_ only thirteen (Fourteen, soon), and I do need to rest and do need some time to myself.. So please.. don't be mad or be begging for me to update every single day.. Especially since I have other stories and other things to write for you guys. 

Part 14 of I'm Not There

Sitting on the floor for two hours is not comfortable. However, when you have a boyfriend, two sisters who miss you, and a brother-in-law all gathered around you, every now and then you find a way to sit that doesn't send pain shooting through your entire body when you change positions. 

When my family left, I went straight to my room. Or at least I tried to. People kept stopping me, telling me that they loved my suggestion and thanked me for giving them a chance to have an almost normal night with his/her family. As soon as I made it to my room, Sarah started in. I almost didn't mind the praise, but then I also didn't mind the alone time that I wanted, either. 

"That was a great idea, Pheebs.. Thanks for suggesting it.." 

I stopped what I was doing and turned to her. "Pheebs?", I questioned. She hadn't called me that before, in the entire three weeks of my stay. It had always been Phoebe. Kinda like Cole.. no nicknames. 

"I heard one of your sisters call you it.. Is that ok?", she asked, nervous. I think she thought that I was angry with her, that it was a family-only name. In this place, if someone does something that you don't like, then you usually throw a fit and end up hurting someone. After all, here it's excusable for you to do something not quite right. Punishable, yes. But excusable. 

"Oh, no.. It's fine.. I was just surprised is all.. I mean.. I don't have a nickname around here or anything.. So it was a little weird. Surprised is all." 

Sarah smiled. "You said that already." 

"So I did.." I smiled back at her. I had made friends with here. I had gotten a little better in three short weeks. I had remembered how much I love school. And now I had smiled for the first time without reason. Life was amazing. Life _is_ amazing.   


~*~*~*~

  
The day of one month's worth of being here, Sarah, Becca, Lisa, and Dara through me a small party type thing. They told me that the first month of being here was the hardest, and pretty soon I'd get used to the idea of being here for a couple years, or how ever long I'd be here. This set me off. I didn't want to be here for years- I wanted to be out as soon as possible. I pretended to be happy the entire time; Dr. Wantini told me that if my job as a psycologist ever fell through that I'd make a great actress. I guess the thing about being honest in session is that your Dr. knows a lot about you. 

I've been in a funk for about a week because of the party. My Dr. says that I need to start doing something to make getting out of here seem real. I decided that she was right- I say it's because of all the drugs they give us here. 

Anyways.. I decided to email my professors at the community college I was at. I asked them if they could send me over the material and the work that I was missing. Y'know.. Try and make up the college credit while I was in here. This made my friends realize how serious I was about getting out. It also made Piper see how o.k. I am. Cole says that he's proud of me, and so is Prue. Leo still thinks that he would be better for me then the doctors here. He said that I checked out, he would be more then happy to help. I thanked him for the offer, but decided that he was too close to me to help. I wanted to be sure that I was good. This made my doctor understand how serious I am about getting better. 

People keep telling me I'm so responsible. That I don't act like I need help at all. 

And honestly, I don't think I need it. But obviously trying to kill yourself is a sign of something. And if it's plain ol' dpression, then I want to be diagnosed with it and get over with the treatment. I want to go back to being normal, I want to go back to being with my sisters and Leo and with Cole. I miss them all so much, and weekly visits simply aren't enough to satisfy my needs. 

I've been here a month and a week. It doesn't seem like so long. Looking back, most of it wasn't that bad. My new friends had helped it to make it ok, and Cole tried to make it over at least twice a week. He called even more. He'd come over from work on Fridays, go home as late as possible. The next morning he'd be here first thing in the morning. He called during his lunch hour at work. And usually at about 6, because phone usage after seven was simply not allowed. We'd talk for a half hour, and then I'd go to my room, smiling like an idiot. No doubt he did the same. 

I loved to fantasize about getting out of this place. Specifically the first night with Cole. It would be amazing to be with him again. So.. wonderful.. 

I closed my eyes, starting to imagine the scenario again. How many times can one person think the same thing before they have it memorized? I can't even remember when I started thinking the same thing. 

He came to visit me earlier. I told him about how I was planning to keep up with school. He said anything he can do to help, he's glad to do. I love him so much. 

Anyway.. I have about a million assignments to do. I got them an hour ago. I have a week before some more come in. I should probably do some of it. I had a goal to do at least three assignments by lights out. Because it's that late in the day. I've been staring at my books for a while. Every time I think of doing some work, lilke I'm suppose to, I start thinking of Cole or getting out of this place. I guess reality is harsh sometimes.   


~*~*~*~

  
Today Cole dropped off more assignments. He stayed less time then he usually does. He wants me to get out of here, and he's been informed of my Progress. That word has a lot of power around here. 

I miss Cole. A lot. Sarah asks me stuff like, "How often were you guys together before you came here?" and, "Are you _sure_ he's going to wait for you?" It makes me wish that he was here now. 

You know, there's something I haven't told my counselour. When I really think about getting out of here, it sometimes scares me. I've been so sheltered from life while I was here. I've had a nice life, but it's not like the safety of these walls. It's not like knowing that you're ok every second of the day. Doesn't necessarily mean that I want to stay forever.. It's just scary sometimes. 

But I still miss Cole.. 

And I _do_ want to get out of here..   


~*~*~*~*~*~   
Four Months Later   
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
It's happened! It's _finally_ happened!!! I mean.. God.. I can't believe it's _happening_!!!!! 

The other day.. Last weekend, actually.. Cole came in to talk to me. He was _very_ excited, and I wasn't sure why. I know he's in love with me, but he had never been that happy to see me. I knew that there was something going on. I just knew. 

"Phoebe.." 

I walked over to him, knowing by his voice that he has something big to tell me. Something good, I remember thinking. 

"Cole.. What is it?", I asked, shaking my head. No matter how many times I told myself that it was good, I couldn't help but think there was something to be nervous about. It must come with being in this place.. "Something wrong?" 

"No.. Nothing's wrong.." He smiled at me- excited. "In fact, everything's right! It's perfect, Phoebe.. Perfect.." 

I was half smiling, shaking my head. What was he talking about? 

He waited for a half a second before he continued, but it seemed longer. I wanted to know now. Not when he was ready to say it. 

"Phoebe, they're.. They're releasing you.." 

What?" 

"Wait, a minute.. What?!?!?! They're.. they're.." Think, Phoebe.. Think. Hold onto a thought. Just.. think. "They're.. releasing me? But I thought.. I've only.. Been here five months.. There's no way.." 

"There is a way.. And it pulled through..", Cole said. "Are you.. Do you regret getting out this fast?" 

"What?! No! This is great- fabulous.. Now you and I can be together. And I can be with my sisters. I mean, this is great. Just.. a bit of a shock, you know?" 

He nodded, understanding what I was saying. He knew, because he knew me. He knew that I loved the friends that I had made here. That I would have to readjust to living in the real world. That life would be hard for me again, and it might even scare me. He knew that I was now a person of society, a person with responsibilities. But he didn't know that I was scared, and that I might not be able to handle it all. 

"Phoebe, I know this will be hard for you.. At first. But you have me- you have your sisters. You have Leo and Darryl... You have innocents to save, friends. It'll be alright- I swear." He paused, smiled, breathed. "If it's not and I'm wrong, you can do whatever you want to me." 

I smiled. A promise that he could keep, a promise that promised security- insurrance. He's amazing. 

I leaned in for a kiss- a soft, sweet, innocent kiss. The first of many to come, the first of many as a legally sane person.   


~*~*~*~

  
I was brought home that day- picked up by my entire family- Dad, Prue, Piper, Leo, Cole, and even Darryl. It was nice seeing them all again. My grabbed my suitcase and placed it in my room- I would unpack later. 

That day was so much fun. Piper cooked all my favorite foods. They had all chipped in to get me a nice "Welcome Home" basket. There was a soft blanket under it all. 'It all' consisting of the movie _Where The Heart Is_, a pez dispenser, a book (_Cut_ by Patricia McCormick. They figured it would help me remember why I was so lucky to be home.), a pretty pen with my name on it, and a necklace with the Triquatra on it. It was very pretty. 

It wasn't until about eleven that I got tired. When I told everyone that I was tired, so we should start picking up, they told me to go to bed- they would take care of it. I felt so special. I knew I would be riding the "We missed you!" train for about a week. 

Cole followed me. He wanted to be with me that night. Not *that* way. In the sense that he wanted to be next to me all night, to know that this all wasn't a dream. I did not object to this- I had a hard time believing that I was here, myself. 

"Cole?", I said when he place me on my bed, still fully clothed. 

"Yeah?" 

"These aren't very comfortable sleeping clothes..." 

He sighed. "I know.." 

I got up and changed into flannel sleeping pants and a white tank top. He stripped down to his tank top and boxer shorts. Funny.. Sure, I had spent the night over at his place. But we had been naked. I had never seen him when he was sleeping the _normal_ way. 

"Cole?", I said again. We had climbed back into the bed, underneath the covers. My back was pressed up against his stomach, and his hand reached down onto my stomach. His breath tickled my neck, but I liked knowing that he was there- that he was with me. 

"Yes, Phoebe?" 

I thought I heard annoyance in his voice. 

"Did I.. Did I hurt you?" 

"What?", he asked, clearly confused. 

"When I was in the place.. I hurt you.. When I ignored you.. I put you through a lot.. and I.. I.." 

"Shh.. Phoebe, be quiet.. We'll talk about this tomorrow.." 

I sat up, escaping from his hold. "No, we'll talk about this now!" My voice was loud. I heard the chatter downstairs stop, so they must have heard me. "I mean.. We'll talk about this now..", I said quieter. 

"Phoeeeebe.." He stretched out my name. A warning. 

"No, Cole.. I want you to know that I'm sorry.. That I hate that treating you like that.. I want you to tell me that you love me, that you accept my apology.. But only if you mean it." 

"Phoebe, of course I love you. Of course I know that you're sorry, and of course it's ok." 

"No, it's not ok!" 

"Phoebe.. I understand that it wasn't you- that you were different." 

"You mean that I was crazy.." 

"No.. That's not what I said. I meant that you weren't in control of what you were doing. I get it. It makes sense. And I accept your apology.. But I don't want to fight. I don't want to." 

I looked down. At this point, he had sat up, too, and we were facing each other. 

"Cole, I love you.." 

"I love you, too.." 

I smiled. And just like that, it was over. The fight was done with. Things were ok. We kissed and then layed back down. He wrapped his arms around me, and I snuggled into his chest. He smelled so good. 

The chatter downstairs had started again, but was quickly breaking up. By midnight, my dad had left and so had Darryl. By one, Prue, Piper, and Leo had all come upstairs to go to bed. And by one-thirty, Cole had fallen asleep. 

I watched him for a little while- about a half hour. At two I was positive that I was the only one awake, that it was ok to do the one thing that I needed to do most. 

I slipped out of bed, careful not to wake up Cole. I didn't want anyone to know where I was going. 

I quietly headed down the hall, finding my way to the stairs to the attic. I climbed them slowly, skipping the third step that usually had a rather loud squeak. I walked over to the window. I reached out, opening it silently. I immediatly wrapped my arms around myself- it was cold now. I looked down, down to the ground. I shivered, but not because of the cold. 

That window had been so much to me during the time that I was insane. It offered me comfort knowing that the window was always there. And it offered me a way out. Out of the world, out of the pain. That's why I hated it. 

Thinking back, I can remember a time when I wanted the window to control me. A time where I would rather be dead then live in pain. I can't believe I ever felt that. Now all I could think about was how much I missed life in the mental hospital while I was still alive. And I had wanted it to end it _completely_? Why? 

I want to expierence everything. The good, the bad, and the in-between times. I have love. I want to see where that goes. I have innocents to save, and I want to save them. I want to say that I once rode a rollar coaster for an hour straight. I want to swim all day long without stopping. I want to see the world and talk to complete strangers- make a friend out of everyone. I want to hear every joke, see every movie, feel every fabric. I want to accomplish the impossible- answer questions like, "Where do the butterflies go when it rains?". I want to be an aunt and a mother and someone special. I want to read my name in the newspaper, because I've done something good. I just want to live. 

I felt a pair of arms being placed around me- Cole's. He stared out the window with me. I placed my hands on his arms, leaning back into him. I hadn't heard him come up- I hadn't noticed him entering the room. But that was ok. It was nice to have someone with me. Especially now. 

I closed the window, shutting the door on that part of my life along with it. I remember thinking that I would think about this tomorrow. Just because I could. Just because there was a tomorrow. 

I felt Cole take his arms down, placing one arm around my shoulder instead. I continued to lean against him as we turned around. We headed out the attic door, shutting it as we made our way back to the bed. And that was it.. We both fell asleep then. 

And I would see him tomorrow. 

~*~*~   
The End   
~*~*~*~*~

Wow... It's over.. ::sniffle, sniffle:: 

Now.. Time for the thank you's. 

Thanks so much to anyone who reviewed- it was so sweet of you. Thanks to NewGirl (Liz). She really pushed me to continue with this when I just wanted to be lazy. Thanks to Tia who made the extra effort of emailing me. Thanks to Mary for some editing. Thanks to Jess- Just cuz she's my best friend. Thanks to Dara and Lisa- real friends of mine. We're not that close anymore, but they did give me inspiration, so.. Thanks soo much to everyone. Thanks to Aaron Spelling, without whom I wouldn't have these characters.. Gosh.. Everyone, you're all so sweet. 

Ok, I'm working on the next chapter of Then and Again already, and I've got another part of the "Best Friends.. And So Much More" series in the works. This will be the third and the LAST ONE!!!! Lol.. It'll be great- I promise. I've also got an original story in works under the screenname of Not Logged In. It's called Never So Perfect. 

Now, I'm thinking of doing a sequal to this.. But I'm not sure. And I'm not promising. But I will promise to have something up by... the 15th. Happy now? That's ten days away. Lol.. 

Byes for now! 

~*Becca*~ 


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